From where I stand
by Sunsick Puppy
Summary: Tatsuha can only watch. Watch and hold him while he breaks apart with the knowledge that he can never ever have Tohma's heart. TatsuhaRyuichi, TohmaRyuichi, really slight YukiShuichi
1. From where I stand

Title: From where I stand

Genre: Gravitation / Angst / Slash

Pairings: Tatsuha + Ryuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi, slight Yuki + Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Maki Murakami.

The first time I met him, I could not believe my eyes. He was so different from what I had expected, too different perhaps. I expected that cold confident face that I always saw on stage, the charismatic features of the singer I idolized from the first time I heard him sing. I did not expect him to be so…childlike. It was as if he was a child trapped in a man's body. As if he couldn't bring himself to grow up. He had his pink bunny too, perched on top of his head as he bounced around. Yes, you heard me right. He bounced, and his pink bunny bounced with him too.

Shuichi, my idol look-a-like cum brother's lover, introduced me to him. He seemed ecstatic, to say the least, running over and introducing himself as Ryu-chan. And after that, he introduced his pink soft toy to me.

"Kumagoro says hi!" he exclaimed at that time. And surprises of surprises, I was expected to greet the toy. It was ridiculous. But like all people, I played along. At that time, I guessed I was too off-balance to react any other way.

Anyway, that first meeting with Sakuma Ryuichi struck me at the core. I was, in a way, disappointed to see him act that way. I had thought he would be like his stage self, but…I guess everyone was different. I started to wonder which was his real self, and how much of that child like façade was actually true. But all in all, he was still my idol and I still adored him, twenty-four seven. And er…yes, I still had sexual fantasies about him. However, I digress.

The second time I met him was at Tohma's Christmas party. I was invited, naturally, and of course, so was he. Top-notch vocalist of the best band in Japan; Nittle Grasper. This time, I approached him.

Are you surprised?

I hope not, because as much as my first impression of him disturbed me a little, I was and still am a timeless fan of Nittle Grasper. So I went up to him, confident in my stride. It wasn't easy, considering the number of people I had to weave through before I could get to him.

He recognized me, although…he did forget my name. He beamed at me and bounced over to me, giving me a cherry wave. The ridiculous pink bunny was tucked in the front of the leather jacket he was wearing.

"Hi hi, Eiri Yuki look-a-like!" he shouted, even though he could be heard very clearly even if he didn't. He stopped in front of me, breaching my personal space. He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, grinning at me happily. Too close, really. I took a step back in order to soothe my raging hormones.

"Hi Ryuichi." I greeted with a genial smile on my face. The last and only time we met, he demanded that I drop all formalities with him and call him by his first name. Needless to say, after I got over my first impression of seeing him, I had er…other matters to attend to. Ahem, other matters that Father would flip if he knew. My idol beamed at me before continuing to look me in the eyes. Oh. "Hi Kuma-chan." Ryuichi had also insisted that Kuma-chan wanted him to call him as such.

Mentally, I slapped myself on the forehead. What the heck was I doing anyway? Actually addressing the pink toy as a living kicking being? I must be losing my touch.

Ryuichi beamed at me again and I could feel a blush heating up my face. "Kuma-chan's happy you remembered him!" he gushed happily. And then, as if it was the trick of the light, I thought I saw loneliness in his eyes as he continued to speak, reverting back to the complete child. "Not many people remember Kuma-chan, na no da. I'm happy you remember him too!"

I blinked.

"Ne, Yuki Eiri look-a-like, I want to go get dessert! Go with me, na no ka?" He started to tug on my arm like a kid pleading for ice cream, looking up at me with those irresistible blue, puppy dog eyes. Who was I to say no to such a cute image?

I smiled at him, running my free hand in my hair. "Tatsuha, call me Tatsuha." I replied as I walked in the direction he pulled. He nodded, bobbing him head up and down. In the process, he sent his wayward hair catching in the slight wind. "Okay, Tat-chan!" He chirped.

After that bit of conversation, the night was rather dull. Ryuichi had his dessert, and then he had glomped Shuichi. Of course, that made my over-possessive bastard of a brother pissed, but it was nothing Shuichi couldn't deal with. Then, he was led away by Tohma to do who knows what, offering me a "Bye bye Tat-chan! Kuma-chan and Ryu-chan will see you again!"

I didn't see him again. Not on that night, in any case. I was all about to go home speeding in my bike right after countdown to Christmas when Shuichi stopped me. Mister I'm-a-blond-and-sexy-Japanese-and-I-am-extremely-sadistic wasn't with him, which surprised me. Big bro didn't trust me with his boy. Okay, so he didn't trust me period.

I was surprised and it must have showed on my face, for he reverted into a nervous stance. He looked at me shyly, hands behind his back and one foot toeing around the cement.

"Yes?" I had asked, halting in my process of putting my crash helmet on. He ducked his head towards the ground, smiling softly.

"Ryuichi…he really likes you."

Huh?

"I mean, he doesn't hang around with people much, if you know what I mean…"

I was surprised to realize that I did know what he meant. Throughout the entire time I saw him that night, he only stuck to Shuichi and I. And yeah, big bro, but I'm not sure if he counted. And of course with Noriko, Tohma and K.

I sighed tiredly. What was he onto about? "Shuichi, what is it?" I asked, sounding a tad bit like my bro for a moment. He froze, looking shocked for a moment, and then he started blinking rapidly.

"You creep me out sometimes." I could see him shudder.

"Uh huh." I nodded at him to continue so I could get on my way.

He cleared his throat before replying me. "It's…well, please don't get too weirded out by Ryuichi and Kumagoro. Ryuichi…he's not all bright and sunny like he seems to be…" He seemed like he wanted to continue, but didn't know how.

I flashed him a smile. "Relax Shuichi," I said, emphasizing the 'i' in his name. "I'm his number one fan, remember?" At that, he visibly relaxed and let out a sigh. I took that as a signal for the conversation to be over. "Shu?" He looked up questioningly. "Go back to my bro. You look odd not being his extra arm."

With that, I jammed the crash helmet onto my head and revved the engine. I saw Shuichi's jaw go slack as he processed what I just said. And as I drove away, I heard him screech out, "Tatsuha, I do not hang around Yuki like an extra arm!"

That concluded the second time I saw him. Three days later, my bro called up and railed at me, cursing me in seven languages. It was such a pity that I was half asleep at that time and his words never really got through my head, or I would have had the opportunity to learn something new. It was only later on in the day that I read the voice mail I had received. From the sounds of it, it seemed that I had fallen asleep halfway throughout his cussing at me. I chuckled. That must have pissed him off royally.

Anyway, it seemed that the only reason he called was to tell, or rather, blame me that his Shuichi haven't clung to him for the entire time since what happened between us. And despite the show he was putting on about how annoying the boy was when he clung to him, he probably enjoyed it. It probably fanned his male ego. In any case, that wasn't my problem.

Hm…

Where was I?

Oh yeah, I was mentally going through the times I met Ryuichi.

The third time I met him was three months later when Mika sent me on a trip to Tokyo on errand business, as I call it. Anyway, that was trivial. The important thing was that after the errand and the detour to my bro's to piss him off, I met him.

On my way home.

On my bike.

At the traffic light junction.

How cliché is that?

I didn't see him at first, too engrossed in revving my engine to catch some pretty chick's attention in the neighbouring Porsche. Now that I think about it, her boyfriend was pretty annoyed with me.

So when I heard him call out my name, I totally forgot about the pretty chick and scanned the streets through my grey tinted lens of my crash helmet. He was easy to spot, even in disguise. I however, wasn't, so it was odd that he could recognize me under my helmet.

He stood at the traffic light, wearing a beige dress shirt unbuttoned over a green shirt, a pair of denim jeans and the blue baseball cap that I saw him wear the first time we met. He was jumping up and down, the pink bunny flopping its ears where it hung on the paper bag he was carrying. The other hand was waving at me. So much for being discreet…

I pulled over and slid open the plastic of my helmet. "Hey Ryu-chan, Kuma-chan," I greeted, flashing him one of my best smiles. He beamed at me. "Need a lift?" He squealed and bobbed his head up and down, before suddenly deflating upon himself.

"Can I?" he asked in a child-like tone. "Can I?" Uncertainty clouded his sapphire blue eyes, while still retaining the appearance of a kid. I smiled, gently this time. Shuichi's words suddenly echoed in my head.

_He's not all bright and sunny like he seems to be…_

"Of course you can." I said as I reached towards the back to take out the extra helmet. A really cool black one with shiny glitter too.

"Here." I pushed the helmet gently into his hands while reaching for the paper bag. He let me take it and I placed it in the back. He seemed stunned into silence, just staring out into space.

_Not all bright and sunny…_

I took the helmet from his hands and fitted it onto his head. At that, he snapped back into his kid mode and shot me a blinding smile. It was rather disturbing to see that. My hands faltered, but I continued to fasten his helmet. He let me, humming some tuneless tune. And through it all, he never looked into my eyes.

He clambered behind me, excited. "So where are you headed?" I asked him as I took hold of his hands and wrapped them around me, reveling in the feel of his soft skin for that brief moment. He stiffened fractionally before answering me.

"Home." It may have been my imagination, but I thought he sounded a little subdued. I wanted to probe into it, yet I knew I couldn't. It wasn't my place. Instead, I asked him for directions, which he gave. I ended up doing many detours before I got to his place. Let's just face it, Sakuma Ryuichi may be a vocal genius, but he sucked at directions.

He invited me in for a cup of coffee, saying that Kuma-chan suggested it. (He had retrieved him from the back immediately after I reached the place.) I was ecstatic and impossibly happy. But it was late and I had to get back to Kyoto, so I declined. His face fell, just for a moment, but this time, I caught it.

It was impossibly sad and so melancholic. Suddenly, it all became so clear to me. He was lonely. That was an understatement. I felt a painful twist somewhere near my heart and the pain heightened when he took on the child like appearance again.

"Sa! I'd see you soon then na no da! Kuma-chan and Ryu-chan thank you for sending us home!" With that, he waved at me, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, as he was accustomed to. I hesitated. Seeing him like that, I didn't want to go.

"Aren't you going, Tat-chan?" He inquired, tilting his head to a side, further enhancing the child like appearance. I was rendered speechless. The pain throbbed. "Tat-chan's daddy is waiting for him, na no ka?"

I nodded silently. I promised Father I would be home for dinner. Usually, I didn't care. However, Father was ill this time and I couldn't leave him for the night. After all, Mika would slaughter me for abandoning him and Father would bemoan to the tablets on the alter table that I was such an un-filial brat. I did not wish to put up with weeks and maybe even months of harassment. But just remembering the look on Ryuichi's face made me want to endure the stupid shit.

Ryuichi looked at me and in a blink of an eye, he reverted back to the face I was familiar with. The face that I adored on stage, only this time, the eyes were filled with a storm of raging emotions. "Kuma-chan's here with me." In an instant, the face was gone and he was a child once more.

I left.

I felt like crying when I saw his solitary figure through my side mirror.

I cried when I slept that night.

It was a long time before I saw him again. I wasn't too sure about the time period, since Kyoto's pretty dull, especially if you're a monk who had to perform rituals and rituals and more rituals. Well, you get the idea. In any case, it was probably about three months. Or maybe it was four…it didn't really matter.

Nittle Grasper reformed, and everyone was busy, as I heard from Mika. She was just commenting about Tohma and his late nights. She didn't even seem really concerned, now that I think about it. But then again, that may be due to the fact that they weren't a very loving couple. They were just…Tohma and Mika, I guess.

The temple got rather busy too. In the past months, more people died and all those rituals that I've talked about, yeah. Funeral rites. Argh. Boring really. Gradually, the episode that I had with Ryuichi faded to the back of my head. That was…until their live concert.

Ryuichi invited me, and so did Shuichi. I wanted to go. Really, I wanted to. I declined, however. There were other things to life than indulging in one's own fantasy, such as funeral rites. So I did the next best thing. I taped the show.

It was a little past midnight when I finally reached home. Father had immediately resided in his room, doing whatever old senile monks who loved to torture their sons do. I switched on the television before heading for the shower, hating the lingering smell on incense all over me.

My idol's voice soothed me and I was caught, enraptured in his music blasting from the live telecast in my bedroom.

Sleepless Beauty.

They were singing their famous hit, the one that shot to number one on the hit list since the moment it was released. Like all other people, it was my favorite. Usually, I sang along with him, but this time, I engulfed myself in his melodious voice, eyes closed.

And for some strange reason, I took extra notice of the sub-lyrics.

_Without an exit_

Water coursed through my wet hair, dripping down to the tiled floor.

_To the point where you fall apart_

My eyes snapped open. The look of utter sadness flashed across my ears, and I shivered in the water that had suddenly turned cold.

_Hold me gently in order to break me_

I gasped, remembering his hesitant arms around my waist when he was sitting on my bike, a few months back. Why didn't I notice? He was so afraid.

A cold hand 

Why was that?

_A banked flame_

Why was that?

I stood dripping in the water as the soapsuds drained away from my body. The running water from the shower continued to course down my body needlessly. My body refused to move. I focused on the plain white tiles on the wall, dreading the next line.

And there's no way out I'm falling further down 

I remembered how uncertain he looked when I offered him a ride home. Why? Why was he so…cautious? His child-like alter was definitely not cautious. In fact, he had tread more on the lines of being reckless. Yet…

_He's not all bright and sunny like he seems to be…_

Shuichi's words reverberated in my mind. Yet…why?

Why was he…so afraid?

_Hold me gently; always catch me, more and more…_

_In order to break my heart_

Something twisted painfully in my heart. In a spilt second, I turned off the shower and struggled into my clothes as fast as possible. My hair was dripping wetness onto the collar of my shirt, but I couldn't care less. I shot to my room, grabbed my wallet and keys off the table, hollered to Father that I was going out before heading for my bike. I had to see him. That was the mantra circling around in my head. I put on my helmet and dashed off in the dark streets.

I was racing towards Tokyo, weaving in and out of traffic as I drove well over the speed limit. Thank goodness I had practice, or I would be seeing the hospital instead.

At the same time, my heart was pulsing. My mind was racing. Things started to click in my head and it all started to make sense. Everything fell into place. Well…mostly. I still haven't figured out why he was so afraid. But now, I knew why Sleepless Beauty rose to the top of the charts. I finally knew why it was the most famous of all their songs.

It wasn't because the lyrics were the best. There were better ones.

It wasn't because the music and rhythm were the best. There were better ones.

It was because, I choked back a sob that threatened to escape, it was the one that hit the vocalist closest to home. It was very subtle and I never realized it, until now. And that was why I had to see him.

I reached the concert venue in record time, hoping that they were still there. Their concerts lasted a very long time, especially since after the whole thing was over, the fans would hang around and the band would hand out autographs. That was the custom with Nittle Grasper anyway.

Shutting down the engine, I ran indoors. I was greeted with a relatively short line. At the head of the queue, I saw him, sitting in between Tohma and Noriko at the table. I sighed in relief, entering the queue. He didn't see me. Neither did Tohma.

Somehow, I was quite happy. I wanted to surprise him at a distance where I could actually make conversation with him. The queue shortened quickly and soon, there were only four people ahead of me. Tohma was the first to spot me.

He greeted me with an 'oh' before smiling. Thankfully, Ryuichi was too focused on the fan gushing, "thank you" and "I love you" repeatedly. It was only when I was standing in front of Noriko that he saw me.

"Hey," I said in a way of greeting. "It's been a while." He froze, fingers clenched tightly onto the purple marker pen he was holding. He was shocked to see me, that much I was sure. Then, his face relaxed into the stage face.

"Hey," he said to me softly and I saw a look of gratitude cross his features. I wasn't sure what that meant, but at least it reassured me that I was welcome.

He schooled his face back into the kid mode, as I'd coined it, in a flash. Turning back to the fan in front of him, he said in his happy chirpy voice that he was really happy that she could come see him shine. I couldn't help but feel a surge of protectiveness soar through me.

He wasn't shining.

He was trying to shine.

I wanted to hug him and tell him he did not have to shine.

I didn't. I just moved forward in the queue as the fan walked down to talk to Tohma, gushing the same usual crap. I stood before him, and suddenly, he seemed so very small as he sat there, looking at me expectantly. He had shifted the autograph towards my side of the table, waiting for me to pick it up.

Instead, I reached out to touch his head, ruffling his hair. He stiffened. He did that a lot, I mused. His face, however, didn't lose that child-like appearance. His left hand reached to clutch his pink bunny, which was tucked into his jacket. His other hand still gripped the purple marker.

I could feel Tohma and Noriko's eyes trained on me. I guess I did have a bad reputation, but this time…this time it wasn't about fulfilling my sexual fantasies. It was about him. Solely him.

For once, Ryuichi kept quiet in his child-like mode. I think, he didn't really know how to react. I smiled softly at him and felt him shiver. "Do you have any plans for tonight?" I asked.

Tohma started to reply for him but Ryuichi shook his head, with my hand still on it. I released my hold on him and looked over to Tohma and Noriko instead. "It's okay. He'd be safe with me." It was odd. I felt like an old man all of a sudden. Ironic, since I was almost half their age.

Ryuichi jumped up from his chair, surprising us all. "Ryu-chan's a big boy now. And Kuma-chan will protect Ryu-chan, na no da!" he nodded his head emphatically. "And Tat-chan won't hurt Ryu-chan." He turned to me, and I saw that heart-stopping fear in his eyes.

I smiled. "Yes, I'd never hurt Ryu-chan." I was graced with the most heartfelt smile I had ever seen.

I was glad I came to Tokyo.

I was glad I listened.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself in Ryuichi's apartment. His home…well, it was smaller than I expected. The walls were more colorful than I expected. The place was colder than I expected.

"Do you like my drawings, na no ka?" He asked when he saw me awestruck at the colorful…mess.

"It's…colorful." I replied, not exactly wanting to lie to him. He beamed at me. Apparently, that was enough for him. He rewarded me with a mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows.

I sunk into the couch facing the night sky. It was a starless night. He followed my lead and sat down on the other couch that was facing the blank white wall of his living room. Correction, the only blank white wall of his living room. Now that was odd.

"Ryuichi?" I called out to him over the steaming mug of chocolate.

"Hm?" His eyes did not leave the blank wall. He seemed quiet, I observed. I didn't think it had anything to do with the concert.

"Why is that wall white?" I asked softly, not wanting to scare him away. For some reason I couldn't fathom, he seemed particularly fragile tonight.

He drew his knees up to his chest, his mug in between them. His gaze dropped to the brown parquet flooring. He didn't seem childish anymore. I kept silent as I waited for his answer, watching him patiently. It amazed even me, as I registered how long I had waited.

He finally broke the silence with a wavering intake of breath. It was as if he was bracing himself for another battle. The wretched pain in my chest returned.

"Sometimes I…" he broke off, shaking his head and burying his face into his knees. I decided I didn't need to know.

"Ryuichi…" I started.

"The colors…" he spoke softly. I shut up. I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to hear him if I continued. "Sometimes…I need to get away from all the colors too," he whispered, finally looking up at me.

He expected me to say something, and I get the feeling he's bracing himself for scorn, or something worse. I wasn't sure I knew how to deal with that. The knife in my chest twisted. My throat was dry, but I had to do something. I had to say something! I had to say something to those eyes ashamed of revealing innermost feelings. I had to say something to those eyes anticipating hurt and pain.

"Ryuichi," my voice cracked. I swallowed and tried again. "Ryuichi, it's okay to do that." He bowed his head at my words and closed his eyes. Curling up on himself, he started to shake.

I wanted to hug him, I really wanted to, but I didn't think I was allowed to. I sighed mentally, placing the mug on the glass table before reaching for Kumagoro seated next to Ryuichi. I picked the bunny up and sat down next to him.

I stroked his forehead before prying the hot chocolate mug from him and replacing it with Kumagoro. At once, he hugged the toy fiercely, curling into himself even more. I set the mug on the table before wondering how I was going to do this right.

Tentatively, I scooted closer to him, using an arm to wrap him round the shoulders. He stiffened, but didn't resist me, so I took it as the green light. I stroked his hair with my other hand and I felt him shake even more violently. There were no sounds though. For what it was worth, Sakuma Ryuichi didn't wail. He cried silent tears. I thought that was more tragic than anything else.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there. The only thing I noticed was that he had relaxed in my hold and was leaning on me. His cheek came to rest on my chest and I could feel his shuddering breaths. He didn't hold me, nor did he say anything. He just curled in on himself and Kumagoro, leaning on me.

I didn't really mind. After all, this was Sakuma Ryuichi, my idol. The one I had sexual fantasies about as a child. I tightened my hold around his shoulders. He didn't react. Somehow…I don't think my childhood dreams matter so much now.

His shuddering breaths became soft snores as he fell asleep in my hold. I wouldn't call it an embrace. It wasn't fitting, I guess. I started to drift off to sleep.

Vaguely, I wondered how many nights he had spent crying alone in the cold quiet apartment, his only escape a blank white wall. His only comfort a pink bunny he named Kumagoro and a mug of hot chocolate.

The next morning, I woke up sprawled on the couch. There was no pink bunny in sight, nor was there a Ryuichi. I panicked in that instant, wondering where could he be. It was then that I noticed the aroma of a western breakfast- sausages and eggs. Yum!

I made my slow way to the kitchen, where I was greeted by a cherry childlike Ryuichi with the pink bunny perched precariously on his head. "Good morning Tat-chan! Kuma-chan thinks you'd like American breakfast, na no da. So I made you some!"

I flashed him a gentle smile. "Smells great." He beamed at me. "By the way, may I use your bathroom?" It was odd, even after one night of holding him to sleep, I still felt sheepish about such inconsequential details. He nodded, and the bunny bounced on his head. I patted his head, and the bunny, before heading towards the bathroom to wash up.

Breakfast was good. After all, Ryuichi made it! We ate in companionable silence; the only sounds the clattering of utensils. I helped wash the dishes after that. Ryuichi had insisted that he should do the dishes, but I wanted to be close to him, so I helped anyway. It was about eleven in the morning when he had to leave for NG.

"Tat-chan," he said softly in that kid mode. We stood at the parking lots, where his limousine was waiting for him. I smiled at him, briefly wondering if the pink bunny he held to his chest had any significance. I would have to find out later. "Thanks for coming over." He ducked his head shyly to gaze upon the floor.

The familiar surge of protectiveness coursed through my body once again. I shrugged, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "It was the least I could do." Especially after hearing Sleepless Beauty, I added mentally. He looked at me questioningly before breaking into smiles.

"See you then Tat-chan!" He waved to me vigorously as he bounced over to the limo. I waved back, watching him enter the vehicle before I headed towards my bike and sped off towards Kyoto.

A month later, I saw him again. He came to me this time, knocking on the door at the ungodly hour of three in the morning. I ignored the knocking at first, hoping it would go stop. It got incessant and louder, and because my father slept like a log, I knew I had to open the damn door. So I got up, cursing and swearing at whoever disrupted my beauty sleep.

I swung open the door, ready to rail at the person when I saw him. His hand was still poised to knock and he seemed surprised to see me.

"Ryuichi?" I asked, sleep fleeing from me instantly. He nodded, clutching his pink bunny to his chest. I took a good look at him. He was dressed in a bright red cotton tee, loose denim jeans and a pair of white sneaker shoes. He didn't wear his cap or his headband this time, and his hair fell messily over his eyes. I studied his face, mentally noting that he was in kid mode this time. He looked so desolate. What happened?

We stood there looking at each other for who knew how long, him afraid and me surprised. It was only when I saw him shiver that my brain started to function again.

"Get in," I said as I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and led him in. He stumbled and almost fell. Thankfully, I caught him in time. He was once again in my hold. Kicking the door close, I focused my attention on him.

"What happened?" I asked him gently, rubbing my hands on his arms. They felt really cold. How did he get here?

He shook his head and leaned forward, forehead resting on my chest, eyes closed. I switched tactics. "How did you get here?"

He took a shuddering breath before he answered in a tired voice. "The cab broke down." He swallowed. "I ran the rest of the way." I stiffened, and he must have noticed for he jerked out of my hold.

"Ryu-chan is sorry. Kuma-chan said that Tat-chan wouldn't mind so we came here," he babbled, curling in upon himself on the cold floor. "Ryu-chan's sorry," he said repeatedly as he rocked back and forth on the floor.

I couldn't react. I was stunned into silence as I took in the wretched sight of my idol. So I just sat there stupidly as he whispered his apologies again and again. What happened? I wanted to ask. He ran here? How far did he run?

He suddenly stood up, a sad look on his child-like face. "Ryu-chan don't want Tat-chan angry." Then he dashed out the door again. I sprang into action, finally registering what was going on. I cursed myself as I dashed after him.

He didn't run far. I caught up to him fast enough, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling him into a fierce embrace. He whimpered, shivering lightly. "I'm not angry." I whispered harshly, tucking his head under my chin. "I'm not angry."

He didn't relax. I think…he was afraid to. On impulse, I lifted him, one arm under his knees and the other around his shoulders. He tried to fight me but I held on to him firmly.

"Don't."

He stopped immediately, still as a statue in my arms. I made my way back to the house, and deposited him on my bed. Then, I draped my blanket over his too thin shoulders as he sat at the edge of my bed. He was afraid, I could tell. But there were more important things I had to do before I comforted him.

"Stay here," I said a little too harshly for my own comfort. He nodded his head, turning frightened eyes on me. I strode towards the kitchen and got a cup of warm water for him before returning.

"Here." He stiffened at my tone, huddling in the blanket. I sighed. "Drink this," I said in a softer tone. He nodded, taking the cup from me. I sat down on the only chair in my room, watching him sip the water. It was only after he emptied the cup that I started the conversation.

"Feeling better?" I asked gently. I wanted to, but I just couldn't get angry with him. Even though he did stupid hazardous things such as run who knows how long a distance to my house. He nodded meekly.

"What happened?" At the question, he ducked his head towards the ground, shrinking into himself. He didn't want to answer, that much was obvious.

"Are you hurt?" I asked, giving up on getting my previous answer. He would tell me when he was ready. At the shake of his head, I felt tension ease out of me. Uncomfortable silence followed.

"Ryuichi," I broke the silence. He looked up at me, childlike fear in his eyes. "Why don't you lie down and sleep?" He looked hesitant. "I'd keep watch over you." I reassured him.

After a moment or two, he nodded slowly as he lay down on my bed. I shifted the chair next to the bed before tucking him into the blanket. He took a sharp breath and spoke.

"Thank you." The voice wasn't childlike. It was pure Ryuichi, tired beyond belief. I smiled at him, stroking his soft hair.

"Sleep." And he did, features relaxing as he fell into a deep slumber. I watched him the whole night.

The phone rang shrilly the next morning and I stumbled quickly to answer before it woke Ryuichi up. Father had slept in, I think. Or was he performing rituals at some home? I couldn't remember. Anyway, Ryuichi and I were the only ones in the house.

"Hello?" I said curtly, annoyed at the early morning call.

"Tatsuha." It was Tohma. That was odd. Tohma seldom called, I noted mentally. Then I remembered that Ryuichi was in my room. Maybe that was why.

"Is Ryuichi with you?" So I was right.

"Yeah, he came over at three in the morning. What about?" I replied nonchalantly as I took the cordless and headed out to the garden. Fresh air was the best. There was a pause at the other end of the line.

"Can I talk to him?" I raised an eyebrow. Did I hear uncertainty in his voice?

"Tohma," my eyes narrowed. "Were you the reason Ryuichi was a wreak yesterday?"

A curt, "That's none of your business," was my reply. I was right again.

"It became my business when he came to me," I shot back at him.

"Ryuichi." I sighed, defeated. The conversation was over. It had never changed. I was still unable to win in a conversation when I was talking to him. It may be because he's a powerful man, or it may be due to the fact that Mika would bitch at me about it. Or it may be because he just was…Tohma.

"He's asleep, and no, I won't wake him up." I said quickly before he could even suggest. "Call again later." Tohma gave me an affirmative before the line went dead.

He didn't call again later. It may have been because Ryuichi left almost as soon as he awoke, or he totally forgot about it. Privately, I doubted it was the latter. Tohma never forgets.

Anyway, Ryuichi woke up close to noon, reverting back into the kid mode that I became familiarized with. I didn't dare ask him about last night, and he did not bring it up. The only inclination I got that he still remembered why in the world he was in Kyoto was when he gave me a short but tight embrace. Then he left.

I let him leave. It wasn't me, really. I would have loved to ask him to tell me everything, but I couldn't. I just couldn't, especially after I realized during the time I watched him sleep that the kid was just his façade. It was just his form of escapism from the harsh world he was exposed to.

My heart bled for him.

Three days after that episode, he came back. I was sitting under my favorite tree in the back garden when my father came up to me, vaguely annoyed.

"There's someone here to see you," he said in a gruff tone before turning and walking the other way to do who knows what. I was surprised; not many people visited me without giving me notice first.

I took my time to walk to the door and there, standing by the doorframe was Ryuichi. He was dressed in a red shirt two sizes too small for him and tight black leather jeans. Kumagoro was nestled in his arms. He faced the ground, and I could not see his eyes.

"Ryuichi?" I said, clearly surprised. He jerked into awareness, as if he was in his little own world before I came to meet him. My eyes locked onto his and I noted that his eyes were suspiciously bright and that he was blinking rapidly. The wretched feeling in my gut returned. I wondered what happened.

"Tat-chan," he said softly. He looked melancholic, even in his kid mode. I nodded before reaching out and pulling him in by the arm. Closing the door, I made my way to my room, locking the door behind the both of us. Ryuichi remained silent the entire way.

Once the door closed, I turned to him with a soft look in my eyes. "Are you okay?" I asked softly, fingering the hair near his ear. He stiffened, tightening his hold on his soft toy. Finally, he shook his head as he bit his lower lip.

I let out a soft sigh before slowing encircling him with my arms, pulling him into a soft embrace. He let me do it, stumbling into me to bury his face in the front of my shirt.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he started to shake. Dampness spread along the front of my shirt and I held him tighter, using a hand to smooth down his hair.

"It's okay," I replied. I wondered what happened to make him so sad and if he had anyone else besides me to cry on.

He cried for a very long time before he pulled back, eyes puffy red and lips swollen. Still, he looked beautiful. I looked at him intently. "Feeling better?" I asked, thumbing away his tears.

He nodded, looking rather sheepish. I graced him with a smile before leading him to the bed. "Sit. I'd get you something to drink."

He did as he was told and I exited the room, coming back a while later with two steaming hot cups of Earl Grey tea. He mumbled thanks when I passed a cup to him, sipping delicately from it.

I took a seat opposite him, watching him discreetly as I pretended to concentrate on my rather bitter tea. We sat in silence. Then, he broke the silence.

"I used to sing of love and happiness," he said quietly. I realized that he had on a less intense form of his stage face. "Of sunshine and beauty…it used to be easy."

I sat with rapt attention, tea left forgotten in my hands, as I listened to him. It seemed very important somehow.

He gave a sad smile, eyes never leaving the tea in his hands. "Then I realized that love not always encompassed happiness…sometimes, it signified sadness too." I took in a sharp breath, having an inkling to where this was leading.

"It makes people cry and it makes them sad." He started to blink rapidly. "And sometimes, it gives them hope and makes them happy for a while. Then reality sinks in and they end up with nothing once more."

A tear escaped from his eyes and made its way down to splash into the tea. "And it will always hurt more than the last time." He sniffed and tilted his head back to look at the ceiling to prevent his tears from falling.

"You'd try to stop loving, to stop caring but it never works. It never does." He whispered. I realized that he shifted to second person narration. "You know deep inside your heart that you should stop feeling, just so that you would stop hurting but you can't help it! You can't help that your heart just gravitates towards him."

Him? I wondered who he was. Was it Tohma?

"You'd stay away for three years, just to escape his presence, but it just doesn't work…" His voice cracked and he started to shake. Tears cascaded down his cheeks. I abandoned my tea and sat next to him on the bed, taking him into my arms. He struggled to continue talking through his tears.

"Why can't he love me back?" He asked, looking up at me with those sad blue eyes. My heart twisted painfully at the sight and I held him tighter. "Why can he love everyone else but me? Is there something wrong with me? Is it-"

I pressed a finger to his lips, hushing him. "It's not you. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing at all! You're perfect." He shook his head in denial, more tears coursing down.

"I'm not!" He said forcefully, voice shaky. "I'm not..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "That's why he doesn't, can't love me. I must be lacking in something that they all possess."

I wanted very much to know who they were, but I was afraid that if I asked, he would stop talking immediately and I realized how much I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to offer words of comfort, but somehow, I was speechless. So I did the only thing I could do.

"It's okay, Ryuichi." I murmured into his hair, sending soft wisps billowing in my breath. My hold on him tightened and I bent down to lay a kiss on his head. "It's okay."

However, that made him sob harder. He clutched the front of my shirt, burying his face in it. "It's not okay. How can it be when my heart hurts so badly?" He said, bringing a hand to press against his heart. I could not say anything to that.

After all, it was not okay. I knew it all too well; my heart too, ached when I saw him in such a sight. We remained in relative silence, me hurting as he cried in my arms and him crying himself to sleep.

I fell asleep after that and when I woke up, it was night and he was gone. No note, nor any messages of goodbye or thanks. I wasn't bothered though, as I got up to scrounge for food in the refrigerator.

Somehow, I knew in my heart that this wasn't the end, and he was still hurting. He would come back to me again. I just hoped that he wouldn't be hurting so much.

Nittle Grasper went on a world tour and I didn't see get to see him for a long while. I mean, I saw his live performances and all, but it was impersonal. I needed to see him, and to make sure that he was emotionally alright, because the last time I saw him, he was a train wreck.

The band came up with new songs, and they were utterly depressing. It was different from the subtle hints in the old albums, these were outright depressing. It was as though Ryuichi was singing his grief out to the world. I only hoped that whoever he loved took notice. It would be tragic otherwise.

In any case, the next time I saw him was way after the world tour ended. If I was not mistaken, it was two months. He came to me on a rainy day in Kyoto, close to midnight, drenched. I was of course, awoken from my beauty sleep as I went to the door.

Imagine my surprise when I saw him shivering on my doorstep in kid mode, teeth chattering with Kumagoro huddled close to his chest. He always seemed to be able to surprise me.

"Tat-chan." He said through chattering teeth. I quickly pulled him out of the rain and into my room, locking the doors behind me as I went.

"Gosh! Ryuichi! What happened!" I exclaimed as I rummaged for a towel. I managed to find one and started to dry him as best as I could. He didn't reply; just stood there shaking, chilled to the bone.

"Take off your jacket," I commanded as I eased Kumagoro out of his grip with just a little protest. He gave up on getting Kumagoro from me and continued to stand there, shaking like a leaf, thin arms wrapped around himself.

I placed Kumagoro on my table and turned around to see that he hadn't taken his jacket off. "Ryuichi, take off your jacket. You're soaking wet." I said, annoyed, running a hand through my sleep tousled hair.

He hesitated, but at my firm gaze, he shrugged it off. It dropped to the floor a sopping mess. Inside, he wore a long yellow shirt, which was also wet, considering his jacket was more like a coat. I told him to discard it too.

This time, he protested, shaking his head violently and wrapping his arms around himself. I was tired, worried to death about his health and his fragility as a whole and his refusal to strip made me snap. I marched towards him and grabbed him, not too tightly, by the shoulders. He stilled, turning wide fearful eyes at me. I ignored his gaze and proceeded to tug his shirt over his head. He allowed me to do it, still fearful.

I tossed his shirt on the ground, taking the opportunity to rove my eyes through his body. My heart was tossed into the icy cold waters.

His body was not as perfect as I envisioned it to be. Thin long scars, some red and recent, ran across his chest. His arms, which he was trying rather indiscreetly to hide, were scarred too. Most of them were recent; red angry scars which ran along the length of his arm. I grabbed hold of his arm and held it up to the light.

"No!" He cried out, wincing in pain as he made futile attempts to pull away. "Don't!" I tightened my grip on his arm, causing him to gasp in pain.

"Tatsuha! Don't!" He pleaded, tears gathering in his eyes, threatening to spill. "Please!" He started to sob.

I promptly let go of his arm, guilt washing through me as I realized I made him cry. He cradled his arm, and I saw in the light of the room that my handprint was on it.

"Oh Ryuichi…" I sighed. Somehow, the words that spilled from my lips came out wretched. "I'm so sorry," I apologized as I took a step forward.

He retreated from me, eyeing me with unhidden fear. I relented and stepped back, deciding that scaring him would do both of us no good. Instead, I retrieved the first aid box from my drawer and made my way to the bed.

"Sit down, Ryuichi." He hesitated, as if torn between his fear and my request. "I won't hurt you anymore. I promise." I said as I poured all my sincerity into my gaze.

He looked at me for a long while before nodding, somehow managing to shrink into himself. "I trust you," he said, childlike. I vowed never to break his trust.

He made his way towards the bed and I scooted over to give him room before rummaging in the box to take out antiseptic and bandages. "Stretch out your arm." I said gently as I poured the antiseptic onto cotton. Warily, he did so.

"This will probably sting a bit," I warned him before I traced his thin scars with antiseptic. I felt him stiffen at the pain. On impulse, I blew lightly on the wound. "Does it help?" I asked, looking up to meet him in the eye. He nodded quickly. Tears escaped from his eyes as he did so.

I turned away, choosing instead to focus on his arms. A thin line, this one most recent as could be seen by the spots of blood on it, ran from his wrist to just below his upper arm. "You cut along the vein," I said matter of factly. He stiffened and tried to pull his arm away, but I would not have any of it.

"What happened, Ryuichi? Don't tell me it's an accident. This was done on purpose!" I exclaimed, leaning so close towards him that I could feel his breaths. He averted my gaze, head down with his fringe covering his eyes.

After a long while, he finally replied. "I was sad." I was stunned. Blinking rapidly, I parroted him. "Sad?"

He nodded, looking over to the table where his pink bunny lay. "Singing sad songs didn't take the sadness away. I had to do something…the sadness was choking me." He said, face no longer childlike. He had on his stage face.

Turning towards me, I met his intense blue eyes. They weren't bright with tears anymore. However, they were filled with a flood of depressing emotions; sadness, loneliness, despair and devastation. I wanted to hug him. I didn't however, afraid that if I did I would not get an explanation.

"It keeps me alive." He said simply and it tore my heart into shreds. Turning his gaze to the wall, he continued on monotonously. "I seem to have lost the reason for living somewhere along the way." His head dipped and a cynical smile graced his lips. "It gives me time to find it again before I lose myself."

"Ryu-" My voice cracked. "Ryuichi." I tried again. He turned to look at me; there was no trace of emotions on his face. I realized, there and then, that he was a master at controlling his emotions when he wanted to.

"Is this about your lover?" He stared at me for a moment before letting out a sharp laugh. Shaking his head, he replied. "He's not my lover…he was never mine to begin with."

I couldn't reply to that so I switched tactics. "You don't have to hurt yourself this way to get rid of…of the sadness. You can cry, break things, anything! Just don't, please don't." I said, trying to sound as convincing as I could with all the confusion inside me.

He shook his head. "You don't understand…"

"Then make me."

Startled, he looked up at me with that intense face. Then slowly, he smiled. The smile was sad. "No one usually ask me to explain things." At my silence, he continued, sighing tiredly. "Breaking stuff never works with me. Believe me, I tried. Besides, it's not easy to keep on breaking other people's stuff and get away with it." He mused. I decided not to ask.

"And…" his voice softened and he became depressed. "I can't seem to cry when I'm alone." He confessed, head lowered to the ground. He looked ashamed of himself.

That was my cue. Silently, I closed the gap between us and took him in my arms. He stiffened, tilting his head up to look at me. I smiled gently and lifted him bodily onto my lap. "Well, you won't be alone tonight." I said softly, reaching up to press his head onto my chest.

He let out an audible gasp and clutched the front of my shirt. "Why are you so nice to me?" He asked softly as he started to shake. The grip on my shirt tightened. I smiled, though he could not see, and ran my hand through his silk-like hair.

"I don't have a reason not to," I replied. He started to sob.

He cried himself to sleep that night, as was with every night that he cried in my arms. The next day however, I woke before he did, him still nestled in my embrace as he slept. Dried tear tracks traced his cheeks and he curled into me, as if looking for security. I tightened my hold on him. If it was security he needed, I was willing to give it to him.

On closer inspection, I realized that he had entered a fitful slumber. Frowning, I tried to wake him. "Ryuichi?" I said softly, shaking him gently. "Ryuichi, wake up."

He stirred, opening bleary eyes to look at me. "Tat- Tat-chan." He coughed violently, alarming me.

"Ryuichi!" I exclaimed, pulling him away from my chest to take a good look at him. He had dark circles under his eyes, his lips were red and his cheeks were slightly pink. I frowned, placing a hand on his forehead. It was sweaty and fever warm.

Damn it! I cursed, causing him to stiffen in my embrace. Quickly, I pulled him back and rested his head on my chest. "Sh…it's okay. I'm not angry with you," I said, soothing him.

He let out a wet cough, burying his face into the front of my shirt. "I don't feel too good." He mumbled. I nodded, making soothing circles on his cold back. It was a mistake to fall asleep this way, especially without a blanket over him.

"Rest for a bit." I said as I lifted him off my numb limbs and gently placed him on my bed. He shivered from the lack of body warmth. "I'd go wash up and then we'd go to the doctor's." Nodding, he closed his half-lidded eyes.

I washed and changed quickly. Coming back into the room, I fished my thickest coat from the wardrobe and wrapped it around him. "Tat-chan?" He said weakly, stirred from his sleep.

I nodded, buttoning the first two buttons. "How are you feeling?" I asked, brushing his fringe away from his hair. He leaned into my touch, eyes closed.

"Cold, and hot." He mumbled a reply as he slouched against me. I smiled at his reply, then I lifted him up bridal style and made my way to my bike.

"Ryuichi." I shook him a little. "Open your eyes Ryuichi." Reluctantly, he did. "Listen, you'd ride pillion with me, and I need you to be awake for me. Okay?" I asked gently as I set him down on the bike. He nodded slightly.

That was enough for me. I fastened my black shiny helmet on him and put on my own, hopping onto my bike. Taking his arms, I wrapped them around my waist. "Ryuichi, hold on."

My answer came in the form of the tightening of the arms around my waist. I started the engine and raced into town.

The doctor diagnosed him with fever and a cold. As I carried him on my back to collect his medicine, the nurse had the gall to ask Ryuichi for an autograph. I snarled at her, snatched up the medicine and marched out of the clinic.

I brought him back home with me; he was in no condition to take care of himself, being both emotionally and physically weak at this moment, and it was not as if his pink bunny could do the job.

For the next few days, he slept in my bed while I slept on the floor. And I realized one thing. Sometimes, he cried in his sleep and I could only soothe him, running my hand through his hair until he stopped.

On the third day, Shuichi called. Somehow, he knew that Ryuichi was here. I figured it must have been Father, who had a habit of gossiping to Mika. Mika probably told Tohma and the whole wide world about it. This line of thought made my blood boil. Tohma didn't call and I had a strong hunch he was the one Ryuichi was agonizing about.

"Tatsuha! Is…um, can I speak to Ryuichi?" Shuichi asked tentatively. I smirked; it was always fun to talk to Shuichi – he was so passive.

"Nope." I heard him take a breath, probably to yell for bro to come whack me up or something, who knew? "He's asleep." I continued promptly. I didn't want bro up my ass.

I could almost imagine Shuichi deflating at the other end of the line. "Is he okay?"

Shrugging, though he could not see, I answered. "Fever's almost down. He's tired though."

Shuichi graced me with an 'oh.'

"So, how did you know he's here?" I asked, making sure to keep my tone nonchalant.

He hesitated before giving a tentative reply. "I heard from…around." Now that was odd. The guy was anything but subtle, so what was up with the round about answer?

"Around?" I asked casually, eyebrow raised.

He coughed awkwardly before replying me. "Well…I overheard Tohma telling Yuki that Ryuichi was here in Kyoto in passing…"

My grip on the receiver stiffened and my eyes narrowed in anger. Mika must have mentioned it to Tohma then. "Tohma hasn't dropped by." I said curtly.

The voice that answered sounded a little melancholic. "Well…he's been dropping by here rather often, and Yuki's pretty irritated with him."

"Missing out on sex then?" Somehow, it surprised me that I could still find the mood to tease Shuichi even though I was angry with Tohma; I had a strong feeling it was Tohma Ryuichi was pining for.

A gasp at the other end and a "I don't know what you're talking about!" gave him away. Figures.

"So…" I ventured, deciding to find out how much Shuichi knew. "What's up with Ryuichi?"

"Oh! Um…yeah. He hasn't been to work for a while, saying that Kumagoro was sick and needed medicine. Tohma let him be and Noriko was away with Saki. Anyway, Tohma wouldn't tell me what was up with Ryuichi so I was left wondering."

"Don't worry. I'd take care of him." I assured Shuichi.

"Thanks Tatsuha. I'm sure he appreciates it."

I managed a smile. "I'm sure he does."

With that, the conversation ended and I was left bored out of my mind. Ryuichi was still asleep and Kumagoro was in the dryer; I finally found time to wash him yesterday, what with all the school work I had, monk's duties and having to take care of my beloved broken Ryuichi.

I strode towards my bedroom, sitting down beside the bed where Ryuichi was sleeping. His sleep was peaceful, thank goodness for that. Reaching out, I brushed his fringe away from his forehead gently, reveling in the softness of his hair. He smelt of apples and cinnamon, and of the cough syrup he had to take. I smiled wistfully, my hand moving down to trace his jaw with my thumb. He was just so beautiful.

He stirred and I pulled away, watching him. Slowly, he settled back into slumber and I shifted my focus onto his arm. They were bandaged up; I had insisted on it, but it was still painful to look at.

I averted my gaze. I left only when Father started badgering me to tend the alter, cursing under my breath all the way.

When I trudged back up to my room before lunch, he was awake and had just came out of the shower. "Tatsuha." He said, face in serious mode, as I have coined it. It seemed that after that night, he never showed me his child façade anymore. I must confess; I kind of missed it.

"Ryuichi." I nodded at him. He smiled back and continued toweling his hair. We shared a companionable silence before he broke it.

"I was thinking…maybe I should head back home." He said rather casually. My head snapped up and I fixed him with a serious look.

"Ryuichi – " I began.

"No Tatsuha," he interrupted me, shaking his head. "I don't want to bother you." His posture seemed rather tensed and I had the impulse to go over and give him a massage.

"Ryuichi –"

"I…Tatsuha, I need to go back and face my problems. I can't escape it forever." He finished, sounding resigned and tired.

A surge of protectiveness coursed through me, setting my blood on fire. "Ryuichi," I said firmly, not really wanting to be cut off again. 'First of all, you aren't bothering me. I'm very glad you came to me actually. As for your problems…you don't have to face it alone." My face heated up at the thought of what I was about to say next.

"I'd be here for you, always." I broke away from his gaze to look at the floor. Footsteps sounded as he walked towards me but I kept my eyes fixed to the ground. His naked toes came into my line of vision.

"Tatsuha," he sighed. I felt cold thin arms encircle my waist and his forehead resting against my chest. The bath towel slid through his fingers and landed on the floor. "I...it's not something anyone can help with." He struggled to explain.

I finally looked up. From the side, I saw that his eyes were closed as he leaned on me. His arms around my waist were taut and his grip on the back of my shirt was tight. He managed to portray vulnerability as he stood there.

I brought my arms up to hug him back and he relaxed into my arms. Security, perhaps that was it. Perhaps that was why he always came back – because I gave him a sense of security. With that in my head, I tightened my hold on him.

"Will Tohma be able to?" I asked tentatively. He drew away from my chest, teetering at the edge of my hold on him. His arms released me and dropped back to his sides. His eyes locked onto mine, and I saw fear and confusion in them. I thought I saw a flicker of depression but I wasn't sure.

Then, his head dropped. "He won't help," he said, voice clear as crystal and laced with resignation. I tilted his head up with my index and third finger. My eyes reflected in his blue orbs shining with hurt.

"But will he?" I persisted. His eyes averted my gaze. Hesitantly, he nodded, the motion causing my fingers to slip off his chin. I looked on in sorrow, at a loss for words. After all, what could I say?

Impulsively, I took him into my arms again, crushing him against my chest as I enveloped him in a tight embrace. He let out a surprised gasp, but didn't resist me.

"Promise me," I whispered desperately into his soft brown hair. "Promise me that you won't hurt yourself." He made a small noise. "That you will come to me if you ever feel lonely."

He raised his head to look at me through his wisps of hair, eyes brimming with unshed tears and something akin to wonder. "Tatsuha," he whispered.

Subconsciously, I registered that ever since that night, he called me by my first name and not by some silly nickname he bestowed on me.

But I didn't show it. "Promise me," I said instead.

He regarded me for a long while before nodding, a small smile upon his beautiful face. And that was enough for me.

Shortly after that, he left. I couldn't help but feel that it would be the last time I saw him again. Tragically enough, I was right.

He was never the same again.

-End Chapter 1-


	2. Interlude to the Other Side

Title: Interlude to the Other Side

Genre: Gravitation / Angst / Slash

Pairings: Tatsuha + Ryuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi, slight Yuki + Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Maki Murakami.

* * *

White.

Mother always said that white signified purity. It didn't really matter to me. White was simply a brief respite before I put up my façade once again.

Just looking at the white wall soothed my soul, calmed my very being, and left me feeling strangely lost and empty. I let a cynical smile grace my lips as I tilted my head back to stare at the luminous ceiling.

It had seemed like a good idea at that time, long ago when love was still a foreign concept, to paint the ceiling luminous. I might have said something along the lines of colors and all that stuff. In any case, the reason didn't really matter anymore.

Maybe I should paint it white.

I sighed, closing my eyes to avoid looking at that hideous yellow and lime green. The colors seemed to have taken a toll on me. Or maybe, it was just that I had simply aged. But was it actually possible to age so fast, so suddenly?

I shied away from that line of thought, forcing myself to think of something else. Age was not exactly my favourite subject to talk about.

The memory of a tall, black haired high school kid flashed across my mind and I immediately leeched onto it.

Tatsuha.

My lips quirked into a smile at that name.

Facing the white wall once again, I bore my eyes into the white, seeing everything and nothing all at once.

Tatsuha.

My first impression of him wasn't very good. I had categorized him into 'fans who go starry-eyed' and just went along with the child façade. It probably left him feeling disappointed. Dose of reality – Sakuma Ryuichi is not a god.

Yet he remembered Kumagoro the next time we met, and that was different. No one remembered Kumagoro, not in the way I wanted them to at least. To many, he was just a pink stuff bunny, which he was. I'm not being delusional here – it's just that…Kumagoro is a part of me. He represents the adult in me when I'm off the stage. He is where maturity went when I didn't want to grow up. He was also my friend.

So I opened up to him, simply because he understood or was trying to understand, dragging him all around the place during the party. Tohma warned me against him, much later when I had left him to go socialize with the big shots.

"You should stay away from him, Ryuichi," he had said once we were out of Tatsuha's hearing range. I blinked at him in surprise.

"That guy thinks dirty thoughts about you." Tohma elaborated with a straight face. Strangely enough, I was flattered and disappointed all at once. It made me question if he was worth it, worth opening up to.

I was afraid, simply because opening up always seemed to follow up with hurt and much unwanted pain. Of course, I didn't show it. My façade was too strong to be broken by these uncertainties.

I flashed Tohma a bright smile. "It's okay! Ryu-chan can take care of himself." Tohma blinked before returning my smile with a wry smile of his own.

"I'm sure you can," he answered easily. Somehow, I think he was humoring me.

Tatsuha proved me wrong the next time I met him. I was out shopping, simply because I had too much money and the walls were too colorful for me to stand, when I saw him. Come to think of it, I never did figure out how I managed to zero in on him in the crowd…

He gave me a lift home, the action leaving me rather disconcerted. I shouldn't be flustered – it was just the right thing to do, the courteous thing to do, and yet I was.

It was a long ride home – simply because I wasn't that good with directions. In a way, I felt rather bad for taking up so much of his time, but he didn't seem to be exasperated with me unlike many others. A traitorous part of me rejoiced at the fact that I had company, no matter how reluctant or how ignorant my company was about that fact.

I asked him in for coffee, partly because I felt bad for wasting his time and at the same time wanting some company…and to be entirely truthful, to test the waters. After all, if he was that untrustworthy, wouldn't he jump at the offer to enter my apartment?

He turned down the offer. I was surprised and relived and sad all at once. Surprised that Tohma was wrong for once, relieved that Tatsuha wasn't who Tohma branded him to be, and sad that I wasn't going to have company.

My façade must have cracked somehow, because I saw him hesitate. He seemed torn between having to go and wanting to stay. I was…touched, a warm fuzzy feeling gathering in my stomach.

I dropped the façade then, reassuring him that I would be fine before schooling my face back and waving him a cherry goodbye.

That was perhaps when I started to open up to him. Coincidentally, it was also when things started to become rather complicated. Sighing heavily, I snapped out of my trance and went to get myself some hot chocolate. The next few memories were something that I didn't really wish to recall. They were simply…too painful.

The hot chocolate was sweet, too sweet and I grimaced at the taste. Sweetness was for the child, not for me. After regarding the sweet concoction for a moment, I poured it down the sink, eyes staring blankly as the brown muck drained away – seeing but not registering. I always preferred it more bitter than sweet.

The phone rang.

Mechanically, almost monotonously, I walked towards it and picked it up. Taking a deep breath, I launched myself into a cherry hello that seemed all too fake for my ears. There was no choice - it would have to do.

"Hi hi! Ryu-chan here!" I said, losing myself in the child as I looked around for Kumagoro. It was a habit to have Kumagoro close by as I slid into the 5 year old idiot that everyone thought me to be. Well…almost everyone.

"Ryuichi." The voice was cold, calculating and yet warm and friendly all at once. I stiffened, a cold shiver running down my spine. There was only one person who could speak in such a tone.

I didn't miss a beat however. After all, my façade was perfect. "Tohma!" I practically squealed into the phone, and although he and I couldn't see my reflection, I knew my eyes turned starry-eyed.

"How are you? I heard you fell ill." My grip on the phone stiffened. Was it my imagination, or did I just hear concern in his words rather than the perfunctory politeness he always exuded?

"Ryu-chan's fine! Tat-chan took care of me!" I nodded my head in emphasis, though he could not see.

"Ryuichi." His voice was harsh and frustrated. The cold and calculating edge melted away, leaving only the warmth. I felt...strangely empty and confused.

"Tohma." I replied reflexively. I thought I heard him smirk.

My façade was perfect…and cracked.

When we were younger, I would let them down in front of Noriko. However, ever since we came back, I found that I couldn't. She was…her life was much too different, and she was different too. Her motherly instincts went up several notches and letting my defenses down in front of her was like asking to be mothered. I was…am, thirty and I didn't wish to be mothered anymore. Besides, I wouldn't be able to take it if she started looking at me with that tragic look in her eyes.

And then there was Tatsuha – the one person whom I could never seem to comprehend. He was just so nice and accepting and I could never hold up my façade for long in front of him.

My façade fell like timber in front of them both, yet with Tohma, Seguchi Tohma, it was a different matter entirely.

Tohma shattered it like fragile glass, leaving me raw, naked and open for him to see. And the ironic thing was that he never saw what really matters. I wanted to hurt him for hurting me, only that I couldn't, wouldn't – simply because he had never consciously hurt me. Simply because hurting him would mean hurting myself as well.

"Are you sure you're fine?" He repeated his question. This time, the concern was evident in his voice. His unvoiced question also echoed in my head.

_Did Tatsuha touch you?_

"Yes," I replied seriously, knowing full well if I didn't that he would crack me some more.

"Good." _Because if not, Tatsuha is as good as dead._

That was probably one of the reasons why I could never hate him. He was such an over-protective friend. I smiled sadly. If only he knew.

It wasn't his fault, I knew that. It was mine, me and my traitorous heart. Never once had he given me an inkling that he might have loved me the way I loved him, yet he did love me - as a friend, a brother. I was someone close to his heart, and it might have been happy and cherry if things just stayed that way, but then I had to develop a crush on him.

Things went spiraling downwards after I recognized that the warm fuzzy thing in my chest was of a romantic kind. I couldn't help myself, but then again, I wasn't very bright and good at emotional control, and Tohma just became nicer as we became closer.

He continued talking. "I apologize for not visiting you. I don't have a valid excuse…" he trailed off and I smiled sadly at my end of the line.

"It's okay. It was nothing serious anyway." I said truthfully. "Besides, you're a busy man."

There was a pause at the other end and I wondered what he could be thinking about; if he was burdened with too much work or if - I shook my head violently, mentally forcing myself to veer away from those dark thoughts.

"Will you be home the entire day?"

His voice, clean and clear like spring water, cut through my thoughts and left me feeling…breathless. I nodded, not trusting myself to reply.

"Ryuichi?" Concern was evident in his voice and I forced out a cheerful reply, reflexively shifting back to my façade.

"Yes! Ryu-chan's free the whole day!" My voice did not waver and I gave myself a mental pat on the back for that.

There was a tired sigh on the other end and guilt washed over me in waves. "Tohma's tired, he should rest! Kuma-chan says so." I said softly, eyes focused on the pink bunny lying face-down on the couch.

"I'd come visit you later," was his reply, blatantly disregarding Kumagoro's, or rather, my heartfelt advice.

I could only nod dumbly in reply before realizing that he could not see and then giving him a cheerful "okay!" for an answer.

* * *

I waited until the monotonous beeping tone played before hanging up and going back to the couch, ignoring the voice at the back of my mind that told me to clean up the mess in the kitchen sink. Picking up Kumagoro, I bored my eyes into its beady glass ones.

It really was a pretty stuffed bunny, with its floppy long ears and red bow tie. I ran my fingertips along the side of its right ear, reveling in the comforting touch.

I was always odd for a child, and very different from others. The mothers would coo at me and exclaim what a pretty child I was, the boys would avoid me – their reason was the certainty I had cooties. The girls loved me, for I did not pull their pigtails like the other boys were wont to do.

Surprisingly enough, I had no friends; no, not even female ones. Mother was worried there was something wrong with me. Father scoffed at her fears.

Then, my fourteenth birthday came and went and things were never the same again. Life was brighter. I had a friend – Kumagoro.

Kumagoro had grey fur and the only distinct markings on his fur-coat were his white front paws, white nose and a diamond splash of white on the centre of its forehead. He really was an ordinary rabbit, yet I took an instant liking to him when I first saw him in the pet shop, all alone in that too big cage.

He was docile and fat and his fur was always soft, but most importantly, he listened. I talked to him a lot and sang him to sleep. I loved him.

He died just when my singing career kick-started. And I was alone once more.

I smiled sadly at the pink bunny, caressing the soft fur with something akin to reverence, wishing that I could at least remember how exactly the grey fur felt.

* * *

Tohma never came.

In a way, I sort of knew he wouldn't. That however, did nothing to alleviate the familiar ache in my chest as I answered the phone half-an-hour to midnight.

"I'm sorry," was his first statement when I answered the call.

"Tohma," I said softly.

"Something cropped up and-" An awkward pause. "Were you waiting for me?" He said perceptively, probably having taken note of my lack of a cheerful greeting.

I smiled sadly. "You woke me up," I said simply.

A lie. I was staring at my white wall, waiting for him to come, but he need not know that.

"Oh." He let out an audible sigh of relief. "Sorry for waking you up too." His voice sounded sheepish and I felt something crack inside me.

_There is nothing to be sorry for._

_I practically asked for this._

"It's okay," I replied, steeling the weird bubbly feeling that was trying to escape. The grip on the phone tightened and I felt my nails imprint themselves into my palm.

The pain was welcoming.

"I'd catch you tomorrow then," he said, sounding young and yet…so old at the same time. How he ever managed that, I would probably never know.

"Yeah. Goodnight." And this time, I hung up straight away, returning my attention to the white wall of my empty apartment.

* * *

I must've stared at the wall for hours, because the next thing I knew, there was incessant banging on the door. Someone, whoever it was outside my door, probably forgot about the existence of a doorbell, which I certainly knew I had.

I opened the door and came face to face with K, his hand fisted and poised to wreak even more damage on my door. I cocked my head to a side, rather surprised at seeing him there. After all, he was no longer my manager, so why was he here?

He seemed rather surprised that I had actually answered the door. "You look like shit." He finally said after recovering from his shock and striding brusquely into the apartment. I frowned, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"I don't fancy playing host for anyone who won't even spare me a hello." My voice was hoarse and I sounded tired, but I attempted nonetheless to distract K from my lack of cheerfulness. "Who also tried to wreak my front door."

K gaped at me openly before giving up and sighing. "You've been a lousy actor lately," he finally said.

I frowned in puzzlement. "You always say that." A pause. "Though…this is the first time you tried to wreak my door."

K graced me with a rather resigned smile. "Let me rephrase that: You've been an exceptionally lousy actor lately. And by the way, I had been ringing that dumb doorbell for at least ten minutes. Forgive me if I thought you were lying here pooled in your own blood."

His words stung. "I would never commit suicide," I said solemnly.

"Says the guy who has scars running along his once-perfect skin." K sighed. "We shouldn't have come back."

I froze.

Unlike Noriko and Tatsuha, unlike Tohma, K was my façade's ultimate nemesis. Or rather, it would be more accurate to say that he could read me like an open book, with or without Kumagoro around.

"It was a request from Tohma," I stated. And I had never denied Tohma anything before.

He fixed me with an unreadable look. "You were happier when he wasn't anywhere along your line of sight." He finally said before turning away and heading towards the kitchen, signaling the end of the conversation.

_True, how true. Yet I could never stay away._

I sighed, running my fingers through my wayward hair, and followed him.

"You haven't eaten, have you?" K asked once I entered the kitchen. I shook my head. He rolled his eyes before reaching for the instant ramen at the top shelf.

"You know, there is a reason why I stocked this place up for you." I couldn't help but smile at that.

"Says the person who never eats at home," was my witty reply.

K smirked at that. "Ah, now that's where you're wrong. Judy isn't here, see?" K had always hated cooking and washing dishes.

"In any case, you'd better go wash up. You've got…" He glanced at his watch. "around forty-five minutes to get to NG. There's a recording today."

I sighed before heading towards the bathroom.

'No wonder K was here', I thought as I stripped and stepped into the shower. I turned on the shower and was blasted with cold water. 'Must've been absent for too long.' I smiled cynically as I worked on clearing and pushing all depressing thoughts to the back of my mind.

The façade had to be perfect.

Fifteen minutes later, I was fresh - albeit sleep-deprived, and ready to face the harsh reality with Kumagoro at my side.

* * *

_HNO3 - I gave up on long chapters - they are simply too long (for a lack of a better word to use) So...like it? Hate it? Go on, drop me a review it inspires me to continue. )_


	3. Fissures on the Glass

Title: From where I stand

Genre: Gravitation / Angst / Slash

Pairings: Tatsuha + Ryuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi, slight Yuki + Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Maki Murakami.

_Author's Notes: It suddenly occurred to me that i had not updated this fic for a rather long time, especially considering the rate at which i update Of Shadows... So yeah, here's chapter 3 (or rather, 2ii, since i've officially given up on long chapters)_

_Anyway, readability's around 76.0 on the Flesch reading ease thing, which is good enough for me, so yay! _

* * *

Fissures on the Glass

The drive to NG was short and silent; I wasn't in the mood for idle conversation and K knew me well enough to let me be. And so we sat in silence.

The first time I saw NG records; I could not help but feel iced. The building was tall and looming, and most of all, gleaming white. It felt so _dead_ and the aura it gave off somehow felt menacing to me. At that time, I had wondered if it was because of Tohma – he was always a dangerous person to those who opposed him. I never really got a solid answer. And now, as I stood in front of the mechanical glass doors with K two steps in front of me, I finally realized that I would probably never know.

Suppressing the involuntary shiver, I stepped into the building only to come face to face with a worried Shuichi. On reflex, I broke into a smile and I felt my façade slide up to meet me.

"Shu-chan!" I squealed, launching myself on him. It wasn't surprising that we both ended up on the floor with a rather loud crash, since he was almost the same build as I was.

"Ryuichi!" he squeaked, face losing the worried expression. "You're okay!" he exclaimed, happiness lighting his entire face.

I was stunned. He cared. This boy - so like and yet so unlike me, this boy whom I practically leeched onto the first chance I got, actually cared. I never really thought he would. Warmth crept into the icy cold place in my chest – not dispelling it but making it less…painful.

"Yes! Ryu-chan's okay!" I said happily, beaming down at Shuichi. I couldn't help but notice that I was so detached from myself – this happy bouncy being that was my shell, was me.

Shuichi sighed in relief and I quickly stood up, not really wanting to suffocate him with my weight. He beamed at me, sitting up without any sign of getting up in the near future. Resting his chin on his open palms, he looked up at me.

"I heard you have a recording scheduled today," he said simply, looking at me with those clear amethyst eyes – those eyes never failed to give me the shivers. They seemed to see past my façade, see past Kumagoro. I felt my fingers tightened around the stuffed toy.

I nodded, hair swishing across my face as I did so. "Yeah! With Tohma and Noriko!" I answered, beaming widely. He returned it with an equally wide smile of his own.

"I'd hope to hear it soon!" he said enthusiastically. No, there was no way he could see past my façade – not when he was so innocent, so unassuming. My fingers relaxed.

I grinned. "What about your newest album? Do I get a free signed copy?"

Shuichi laughed; a clear melodious sound. It was set in stone – he could not see past the façade. A part of me felt relieved.

"Of course!" He replied cheerily, glancing at the clock as he did so. He stood up, brushing dirt from his bright orange shorts. "I got to go now, before Fujisaki slaughters my ass."

I laughed, nodding. He waved a goodbye, which I returned with one of my own, before turning to leave in the opposite direction.

K made his presence known then. "Tohma wants to see you before the recording." I stiffened, the familiar ache in my chest taking centre stage once more. "He's in his office."

I nodded, flashing K a wide smile that would have sent fan girls swooning in delight. He saw past it though, for his eyes softened. "You can always go after the recording though," he said softly, the words only meant for my ears.

I shook my head, smile never even wavering. "It's okay. I'd go meet him."

K regarded me for a long while before sighing deeply. "Fine," he said before he turned to walk in the direction that Shuichi had gone just moments ago.

"Thank you." I whispered, tightening my hold on Kumagoro. The slight hesitance in his footsteps let me know he heard me.

* * *

The walk to Tohma's office was too short in my opinion. I did not want to see him – I knew that. Call it cowardice but…I was afraid that he would crack my façade – something he and I both knew he could do easily. And I did not want him to see. 

I knew, with all my heart that he cared about me. He was just too _nice_ and so sweetly protective that I could not let him see. Not the hurt, not the pain. I would not allow him to see it. I knew, with all the certainty in my heart, that if he ever knew, it would hurt him – hurt him to know why I was so…dark and twisted up inside.

And even then, nothing he did would alleviate the pain – simply because one could never love to order. Love was simply not a forced emotion. Therefore, I could not do that to him.

The secretary greeted me with a genial smile on her face – though I was too distracted to even formulate a decent greeting other than a wave and a smile that was too forced to be natural. She didn't seem to notice though, returning my smile with a wider one of her own and a "Seguchi-san is expecting you."

I nodded stiffly, making my way past her to stand in front of the large oak doors a distance away. Steeling myself, and holding Kumagoro closer, I opened the door, the handle cold and biting to the touch.

He was on the phone – talking with that dangerous tone I hated so much, his eyes trained on the documents on his desk. They flickered over to me and the calculating expression was replaced with a smile before he returned his attention to the documents.

His voice was cold and laced with ice and I couldn't help but shiver as I stood there, the oak doors just behind me. "I'm sure you can work something out," he said, frowning as the person on the other end launched into a lengthy speech.

I had half a mind to just turn and walk out, giving the weak excuse of him being busy. It would not work though – I tried it once, only to have my façade cracked and him getting angry and protective. I wasn't sure what he did, but the next time he saw me, he told me I would never have to worry about stalkers anymore. Apparently, he had thought that was my problem. I never told him how mistaken he was.

So instead of leaving, I made my way to the couch – the fine leather cold to the touch as I sat down, Kumagoro still clutched to my chest. My mind was blissfully blank and I lost myself in the imaginary dark void, staring at some unseen point in the room.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, simply lost in the nothingness but the next thing I knew, Tohma had crouched in front of me, peering worriedly into my eyes while his right hand caressed my cheek.

I blinked, suddenly very aware of the proximity between us. My whole body stiffened and I tried to remember to breath, all the while struggling to retain my façade.

He must've seen my…distress, for the frown on his face deepened. "You okay?" he asked gently, a stark contrast to that cold hard tone he used while on the phone. Feeling rather numb and still trying to hold my façade in place, I could only nod.

He sighed tiredly, his hand moving to the back of my neck as he tilted my head forward so that our foreheads touched. "I just can't help but worry about you." My blood ran cold and it took me everything I had to will the tears away. He was so nice it _hurt_.

I attempted to smile, and managed a fairly decent one. "Ryu-chan can take care of himself," I said, a poor imitation of my usual light and bouncy tone.

He smiled then, though it did not reach his eyes. Despite that, he was still breathtakingly beautiful. "I know, but I can't stop myself from worrying anyway." He sighed again, letting go of my neck and standing up. "It's like a conditioned reflex."

That was my cue to laugh, and so I did. Thankfully, it sounded real enough that Tohma never noticed. "K said you wanted to see me," I said, fake innocence seeping from me as I looked at him with large questioning eyes.

He nodded, gracefully running a hand through his light blond hair. "I wanted to make sure you're alright." He paused, studying me carefully. I tried not to squirm too much, flashing him a bright smile. "Are you?" he asked, tone almost tender.

My mask wavered and I felt the beginnings of cracks. "Yes," I said softly, face relaxing into a neutral expression. Emotions flashed across his eyes; worry, confusion and some others that I could not identify, before they were shut away once more behind that friendliness in his eyes.

He took a step towards me and the next thing I knew, I was embraced in his arms. "Tohma?" I managed to say, voice stumbling across the syllables in his name. He did not reply, though his arms did tighten around me.

And so we sat there, him holding me in a strong silent embrace while I sat there stiff, lost in the whirlwind of thoughts once more.

* * *

I didn't know why I did it, but somehow, it seemed like Ryuichi was disappearing before my very eyes. It might have been the fact that he never loosened his hold on his pink toy, or that he had looked so lost and utterly alone where he sat on the couch, eyes glassy and devoid of any expression. In any case, I felt this irrational fear course through me when he replied with a simple 'yes' and I gave into the urge to just hug him. 

He stiffened in my embrace, but he did not push me away, so I continued to hug him, trying desperately to hold onto him and quell that irrational fear that he was leaving, going to some place where I could never ever reach.

I could not let him go, would not let him go, not without a fight. He was a friend, a very precious friend and I would not be able to bear it if he was to leave.

He called my name, voice hesitant and tentative, as if he did not know what to expect – which may just be the case. I was after all, known for being aloof and all in all, not the touchy type. The more rational part of my mind told me to let him go and explain the hug away, yet the irrational fear which I had gave in to moments ago still lingered – no, strengthened and I tightened my hold on him, reluctant to let him go for reasons unbeknownst to myself.

It occurred to me that he was still stiff in my embrace and I wondered if my actions were really so rare that even he, my most precious friend, was unable to relax. I had thought that after countless times of hugging we shared, he would be…more comfortable in my presence. In a way, it hurt to know that he was still tense.

_Don't you trust me to take care of you, Ryuichi?_

I admit that I had been preoccupied with other matters; NG, Mika and most importantly, Eiri and his current love partner, Shuichi, and that I had not had a decent conversation with him for a long time. Part of me felt rather guilty for not having spoken more than a few words to him at a time, especially since I was the one who called him back from his singing career in the United States. Yet…didn't he realize that he could trust me…to at least be able to relax when I held him?

A shrill ring tone disrupted my train of thoughts just then and I cursed the damn thing, releasing Ryuichi from my embrace as I stalked towards the stupid invention on my desk.

"This is Seguchi," I said, voice colder than usual. From the corner of my eye, I could see Ryuichi swallow hard as he continued to stare at some unknown point, the pink thing still clutched to his chest.

"Ah, Seguchi-san! About the earlier conversation, I spoke to the board and the company is –" The dumb guy continued to rattle on, launching into a lengthy speech and I resisted the urge to snap at him. Ryuichi seemed to have regained his composure and I saw him stand.

Where was he going? I wasn't done with him yet.

"Takato-san," I said, voice strained. "Perhaps we should discuss the details when you have drafted the contract." I caught Ryuichi's eye and he flashed me his trademark smile – though for some reason, it seemed very out of place on him, and gestured his intention to leave.

"Oh…yeah. That would probably be better," the stupid blubbering idiot said thoughtfully. I shook my head at Ryuichi, trying, pleading with my eyes for him to stay. It didn't work, for he turned away from me and covered the distance to the door in seconds.

"Clearer too," the guy said absently. I ignored him, eyes training on Ryuichi as he opened the door and walked away, never giving me a second glance.

Dread crept up and settled in my stomach – an emotion that confused me for there was no logical explanation. How was I to explain that even though I would still see Ryuichi and still have many chances to talk to him, I felt that that was the last time I would be able to get that close to him again?

The monotonous tone came on as the conversation ended; evidently, Takato had simply ended the conversation after his lengthy monologue. I hung up the phone, and suddenly, it occurred to me that I had never initiated a hug with Ryuichi before.

It was then that I realized what a terrible friend I was.

* * *

_HNO3 - Told'ya it's short. And yeah...no Tatsuha yet. He'll appear soon enough though._


	4. Certainty

Title: From where I stand

Genre: Gravitation / Angst / Slash

Pairings: Tatsuha + Ryuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi, slight Yuki + Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Maki Murakami.

_Author's notes: Phew this chapter wasn't easy to write, though i'm not really sure why. This is like...the third draft - the other two were scorned by me and subsequently deleted without mercy. _

_Readability's a 76.0._

* * *

Certainty

As soon as the phone rang, I knew that I had to leave. If I didn't, Tohma would surely know. And even if he didn't, he was sure to pry it out of me. So I left – once I managed to stand without giving away the conflicting emotions raging in me.

I was shocked. Tohma hugged me, embraced me, and didn't seem to want to let go any time in the near future. If that blessed phone didn't ring, I knew – with much certainty that I would still be right there enveloped in his arms.

I checked my watch – August the Third, 14.13.

It was a day to remember – and a day that would forever be etched in memory. A sad smile graced my lips. The embrace would probably haunt me in my sleep, forever reminding me of something I would never have, could never get.

I wanted to hurt him for giving me the taste of the forbidden fruit – but I couldn't bring myself to. After all, Tohma would never hurt me. Not willingly, at least.

A familiar stab of pain seared through my heart and I tried not to wince. Clutching Kumagoro tighter to my chest, I made my way towards the recording room, taking routes that were less crowded.

I did not need to meet anyone – not at the moment. Not when my façade was flimsy and on the verge of dissipating into nothingness. I could not afford it, not when I still had to face Noriko and Tohma.

Tohma – he would see past my façade easily, and I couldn't let that happen. Would not let it happen. I took a deep breath, forcibly chucking my emotions into the corner of my heart and willed the smile onto my face.

It was forced and stiff, I could feel it, but it would have to do. It would just have to do, and Tohma would just have to be unable to see past it. I steeled myself, clutching Kumagoro tighter to my chest and prepared to bounce into the room I was walking towards.

Ten steps, ten seconds.

I just had to make it though this day – make it through this recording. After that, I would be free to do, free to go back to my white wall, free to let down my façade. I choked back a sob – when did life become so difficult?

Life wasn't supposed to be difficult. Life was supposed to be bright and shiny.

Seven steps.

I thought of my razor hidden in my bathroom closet and I yearned for the pain to engulf my senses. After this, after this recording. I imagined the red releasing fluid streaking down my skin, expelling the despair from my system.

The razor. After this, I could get my razor.

Tatsuha's face flashed across my mind.

No…not the razor.

Not the razor.

Tatsuha.

After this recording, I would go to Kyoto. Tatsuha would make it better. I just knew he would. He had not failed me yet. Not yet. So I would go to Kyoto.

Three steps, three seconds.

All I had to do was make it past this recording. All I had to do was sing. All I had to do was forget that embrace. All I had to do was act.

Zero.

I reached the door. I took a deep breath, wrenched the handle open and bounced cheerily into the room. Noriko looked up from where she was, fiddling with the keyboard. She flashed me a smile and that was my cue to lung for her.

"Nori-chan!" I squealed as I clung to her, beaming.

"Ryuichi! You're back," she exclaimed before scowling, "and late." I allowed a sheepish grin to plant itself on my face, giving her a puppy-eyed look. She bought it and her scowl eased into the familiar half-smile she always wore around me.

"I heard you were ill. Are you feeling better?" she asked - concern evident in her features. I nodded vigorously, flashing her a smile.

"Ryu-chan's okay!" I exclaimed. She regarded me for a moment and I tried not to squirm under her gaze. After a moment or two, she finally nodded.

Inwardly, I let out a relieved sigh. One down and one more to go.

Noriko turned back to the keyboard and I took a moment to collect myself. Tohma was going to enter the room soon and my façade had to be perfect.

I would not allow it any other way.

* * *

I was just about to leave the room for the recording when the blasted phone rang again. Muttering a curse, I picked it up. 

"Tohma!"

"Mika," I said as a frown graced my features. Mika should know better than to call at this hour. "Is something the matter?" Immediately, my thoughts zeroed in onto Eiri. Did something happen to him?

"Well, yes," was her curt reply. I couldn't help but stiffen. She seemed to sense my anxiety for the next thing she said was, "relax Tohma. Nothing's wrong with Eiri."

I relaxed, though I was a little peeved that she could read me so well. "I've got good news actually," she said. I imagined her beaming at the other end of the line.

"Really?" I said, allowing a hint of curiosity to leak into my voice. Humoring her usually made her easier to talk to.

"Yes," she replied happily. A smile graced my features.

"Are you planning to keep me guessing here?" I asked, checking the watch, frowning when I saw the time. I was late.

She laughed. "No, not really," she said. Clearing her voice, she said more levelly, "Tohma, you're going to be a father."

I froze. A father? Mika was pregnant? A dozen thoughts rushed through my brain and for a moment, I didn't know what to think. She was pregnant.

"Tohma? You still there?" She asked concerned. I snapped into attention.

"Yes," I said, a smile settling into my features. "That was unexpected."

She laughed. "It's nothing you can't deal with," she stated. I nodded, replying her with a yes.

"I'm glad you're happy," I said fondly. She laughed again.

"I'm excited. Alright then, we'll talk when we get back. Dad's going to be delighted. He always wanted a grandchild."

I smiled. "I know. Take care of yourself."

"I will." And when that, she hung up.

I placed the phone back onto the receiver, taking a moment to recollect myself. Mika was pregnant. I was going to be a father. It was…strange.

I was supposed to be delighted, I knew that. And yet, I felt strangely detached. It didn't seem like such a big thing to me, for some odd reason. I knew I should be…excited or something, but I wasn't.

It could be because our relationship was rather…impersonal. It was an arranged marriage after all. She cared about me, and I her. Yet, there was never that passionate love between us. We just were. I loved her, that much was certain, but both of us knew that I loved Eiri more. She didn't complain nor did she seem disappointed when I first told her.

I never thought about starting a family – the thought never did cross my mind. Yet now, I was going to be a father. The thought was rather daunting.

It was nothing I couldn't deal with, of course, but it really was…unexpected. Of course, the fact that Mika was so ecstatic about it also threw me off the loop

I sighed. This was getting no where. Shrugging inwardly, I exited the room. I would just have to live with it – it was just another responsibility after all. For all I knew, I might actually grow to like fatherhood. For now, I had a recording to do.

* * *

When Tohma entered the room, he looked preoccupied – it wasn't really all that different from his normal expression, but Ryuichi and I were friends with him for an extremely long time. 

"You're late too," I scowled at Tohma, who gave me a smile in return. Ryuichi took the opportunity to squeal out his name, but other than that, made no other move to welcome Tohma. Now that was odd – Ryuichi usually launched himself at…well, everyone he knew as a welcome greeting.

Tohma graced him with a smile, which Ryuichi returned instantly. I frowned. Was he still recovering from his flu?

"Sorry about the time. I had matters to see to," was Tohma's smooth reply.

Ryuichi immediately replied with a "that's okay! We can start recording now!" Perhaps he really was just less energetic today. Shrugging off the concern, I turned back to Tohma.

"You look preoccupied," I said to him. Ryuichi cocked his head in curiosity, his attention fixed on the both of us.

Tohma shrugged, running a hand through his hair. "Well, it's nothing much. Mika just called."

I nodded, waiting for him to continue. He didn't. I rolled my eyes. "And? Is everything okay?"

He nodded. Shrugging nonchalantly, he replied. "Everything's okay. She's pregnant."

"Congratulations!" I said, beaming at him. "It's time you started a family."

My words earned a laugh from him. "Well…yeah. Mika's really excited. I'm not really sure what to make of it though."

I laughed cheerily. "Be happy of course! After all, you're going to be a father! What do you think, Ryuichi?" I said, turning to him.

My smile was immediately replaced with a frown and from the corner of my eye; it seemed that Tohma's was too. Ryuichi seemed…shocked, to say the least.

He was stiff, and I could see his collarbone standing out starkly in the light. His face was blank and he stared ahead with unseeing eyes – glassy eyes that were so different from his normal bright blue orbs that hid nothing. He looked like a different person altogether.

"Ryuichi?" I said tentatively as I looked at him, noting that he had his toy in a death grip. What was wrong with him?

Apparently, Tohma also noticed for he took a step towards Ryuichi, an apprehensive look on his face. "Ryuichi?" he said gently. "Ryuichi?"

"Ryuichi?" I said softly, making my way towards him. He didn't seem to notice my presence, for he continued staring blankly ahead, his breaths short and quick. "Ryuichi? Ryu-chan? Speak to me. What's wrong?" He didn't reply – didn't even seem to be able to hear me.

I was worried, verily so. Never once had I never seen him behave this way and I felt fear creep up my spine. Tohma seemed to share my thoughts for he too walked towards Ryuichi, standing in front of him and peering into his blank eyes.

"Ryuichi?" he said gently, and I could see worry and a tinge of fear in his eyes. He raised a hand to caress his cheek, as if trying to get him to respond, but to no avail. Ryuichi didn't even acknowledge his presence.

At that moment, I felt a flash of fear course through me. It was as if Ryuichi was falling away from us and there was no way to cross the wide distance between us.

No. I would not let it happen.

"Ryuichi?" I said his name again, putting a hand on his shoulder. He didn't respond. I chanced a look at Tohma and was rather surprised to see emotions displayed plainly on his face; fear, desperation and something akin to guilt.

"Ryuichi please, what's wrong?" he whispered, his other hand snaking around Ryuichi's waist as he tried to pull him closer – as if that would snap Ryuichi out of that frightful blank trace he was in.

It didn't work.

"Tohma, what's wrong with him!" I said anxiously, keeping a firm hold on Ryuichi's shoulder – trying to anchor him to me, to us, to reality.

Tohma shook his head, though his eyes never left Ryuichi. "I don't know," he replied, his voice a mere ghost of his normal tone. "He was like that too in my office but he snapped out of it. I…I don't know."

It was as if the world had come to an end. Tohma, Seguchi Tohma, was at a loss at what to do. What more us mere humans!

"What did you do to make him snap out of it?" I asked, trying with much difficulty to be rational. Tohma stiffened, pausing a moment before he crushed Ryuichi to his chest, Ryuichi staggering into his embrace.

I blinked. "You embraced him," I stated. The logical part of my brain laughed scornfully at my stupid reply.

Tohma shook his head. "That…wasn't exactly what I did," he said and I saw him pull Ryuichi closer – I was surprised that that was even possible.

I wanted to ask what exactly he did, but knowing Tohma, he probably would not grace me with a reply. And so I stood there, watching as Tohma continued to embrace Ryuichi, praying to the heavens above that he wasn't too far away from us and that the distance could still be bridged.

I stood there for a very long while.

* * *

_HNO3: So...how's this chapter? I hope Noriko's not too out-of-character - this is the first time i'm actually writing her. Anyway, things are finally happening and well, yeah, i'm happy to say that the slow boring bits are more or less out of the way._

_Though...i'm sad to say that it'll be some time before the next update - school's starting and a new change of environment is rather irritating. That, and my inspiration is rather on the low at the moment. /hint hint/ review /hint hint/ Really, it spurs me on to continue._


	5. Fractured

Title: From where I stand

Genre: Gravitation / Angst / Slash

Pairings: Tatsuha + Ryuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi, slight Yuki + Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Maki Murakami.

_Author's Notes: Whoo! Congratulate me guys! I managed to finish this chapter after a really really long while of inactivity. Can't be helped though - coz unlike my profile, i actually seem to have a life outside writing fanfiction, so yeah._

_Okay, i know i said Tatsuha will appear...well, soon. He's gonna appear, i promise! It just so happens that things aren't going fast enough. Anyway, angst-galore for this one. _

_For all those really nice people that have reviewed, i present to you Fractured! (and yeah Broken-string Angel, i think you'll like this one. Or rather, i hope you do, coz TohRyu fan here as well!) _

_Kudos to Sakuma-sonnet, DStar5, yugitears, red-rose-priestess, and Broken-string angel for reviewing chapter 4 and spurring me on to continue._

_Flesh Reading Ease's a whooping 100 so yeah! happy dance

* * *

_

Chapter 5: Fractured

Mika was pregnant.

She was pregnant.

Tohma said it like it wasn't a big deal, but it was.

She was pregnant.

He really loved her.

And now, he was going to start a family with her.

The logical part of my mind told me I should have known this long ago, should have expected this long ago. After all, they were husband and wife. Yet…that didn't stop the intensifying pain in my chest, crushing me.

I felt like I was drowning in water. I couldn't breathe.

And yet I was. My lungs were working and I was still alive.

How can I be alive, when it hurts so much?

I knew. I knew from the start that I didn't stand a chance – not against Mika or her brother. Tohma could never be mine. He could never love me, not in the way he loved Mika and Eiri. It was a fact set in stone.

Yet it still hurt – knowing that she was pregnant.

Why?

Why did it hurt so much?

It wasn't supposed to hurt so much!

It wasn't supposed to hurt at all.

I wanted to curl up on myself and wait for the hurt to subside, only that I couldn't. Not physically, not emotionally.

An unfamiliar scent invaded my nose and I felt myself being anchored to a hard body, my face buried in someone else's shoulder. Who was it?

Let go! I wanted to scream, but I couldn't, not when my voice didn't work, not when it hurt too much to even speak.

_We shouldn't have come back_

The haunting image of K's serious face burned in my mind and my eyes scrunched shut as I buried my face in the stranger's shoulder.

_You're right K, we shouldn't have come back._

_We should have stayed there and sing songs of hollow happiness._

_We should have never agreed to his request._

The familiar pressure behind my eyes started to increase and I felt the beginning of tears pool in my scrunched up eyes. Yet the tears never did fall – of course, why would they?

They have never fallen. They wouldn't fail me now. And of course, the ache never did subside.

Like a cracked whip, I wrenched myself away from that unfamiliar body, only to realize it was Tohma.

Tohma.

How I yearned his touch.

How I feared his touch.

"Ryuichi?" he said uncertainly. Now that was odd. Tohma was anything but uncertain. What happened?

He took a step towards me, and instinctively, I stepped back, the familiar feel of Kumagoro in my arms a reassuring presence. Fear and worry danced across his eyes and I paused to wonder exactly what he was afraid of.

Tohma was never afraid of anything.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, gently, as he took another step forward.

Everything's wrong, I wanted to scream; only I couldn't. My mouth refused to open and my voice refused to listen. Everything was wrong.

I was wrong to return. I was wrong to love him. I was wrong to come back and sing.

"Ryuichi please," Tohma said, something akin to desperation and helplessness in his eyes. His hands were outstretched towards me and instinctively, I stepped back, shaking my head vigorously from side to side.

"Let me help you, please. Don't do this. Don't be like this." He pleaded, his words turning into a ghost of a whisper as they faded into silence.

You can't help me; I wanted to say, only that I couldn't. My voice would not work and the overwhelming sense of loss – which I wondered why I felt since there was nothing that was mine in the first place to lose, threatened to engulf me entirely.

"Don't shun away from me," he said, voice a broken whisper. And something fragile in me broke, shattering like glass.

I'm sorry, I wanted to say. I really don't mean to, but I can't help it. The closer I am to you, the more intense the loss I feel and I'm so tired of feeling that familiar ache twinge every time you treat me so well.

Because I will never have you.

Because you are not mine to have.

Because you will never love me as I do you.

But all I could do was choke back a sob as I tried to disappear through the soundproof walls of the audio recording room – to run as far away from those inviting arms that I can never reach out to, for I had not the right.

But the walls were solid, and I was still there. More evidently, his pianist hands – such fine hands, were still outstretched towards me. It was as if he was trying to bridge the physical distance between us to make up for the vast abyss between us in every other form.

"Please…what's wrong? Did I scare you?" he said cautiously, worry evident in his eyes. "It's not such a big deal, Ryuichi. We'll still be Nittle Grasper – I'll never leave you."

I found myself sliding down the wall to crumple on the floor, the sudden heaviness of my heart too much for me to handle.

You'll never leave me, because you were never with me.

"Ryuichi please!" he said, a sudden urgency in his voice. "Please! Please, don't scare us like this," raw emotions of fear dancing in his unusually large sapphire eyes. "Please."

I wondered what he feared so much.

I caught sight of my reflection in the dark glass to my left and I resisted the urge to either laugh bitterly or just break down and cry. Then I realized…that I had no tears to cry, for none of them would fall for me.

My façade had left me and all he saw was Sakuma Ryuichi. Not the idol, not the child, not the god. And worst of all, not his friend.

Tohma was afraid of me.

And that just was the icing on the cake of unrequited love.

Something intangible snapped in my mind and I started to laugh. It suddenly seemed hilariously funny to me – the love, the pain, the friendship and that stricken look on Tohma's face. Wet tears escaped my eyes, rolling down my cheeks to splash on the carpeted floor. I spared a brief moment to wonder if those were tears of sadness or happiness or perhaps even insanity.

After all, I must be insane to find this funny.

My child-like laughter reverberated through the room, the only sound in there. It was wonderfully quiet in the sense that there was no accompanying noise. It was me, just me, all me and that was all that mattered.

I reveled in the sound of my laughter, the tears of hilarity coursing down my cheeks. A sudden thought entered my head – why was I laughing again? What exactly was so funny?

"Ryuichi! Stop it!" Noriko suddenly cried out and my laughter was no longer a solo performance in the room. "Please!" Inwardly, I frowned. Now there was noise again…but then, it wasn't much of a big deal. Her angelic voice did blend with my imitation of child-like laughter. I let her noise slide.

"Ryuichi!" She said again, a flicker of agony in her eyes. Briefly, I wondered why that was so. No one should have that look in their eyes. "Please!"

I shook my head, trying to get the laughter bubbling in my chest to stop, to not much avail. "I can't!' I said in between laughs. "It's just so funny!"

The look on Tohma's face turned horrified; as if he was in a nightmare. "Ryuichi?" he said tentatively, as if he knew not what to expect from me, which through further thought might just be the case.

I ignored him, for probably the first time in my entire life, too preoccupied with the bout of laughter that threatened to leave me breathless.

"I'm sorry," he said, new-found resolution in his eyes. Regarding me for a moment, he took two steps towards me.

I felt the sudden impulse to run away, to tell him not to approach. The sense of impending doom loomed threateningly over me as I watched as he came towards me. Yet why I was so afraid of him was anyone's guess.

A moment later, a sudden pain flared up in my head and everything faded to black.

* * *

"You shouldn't have done that," I whispered as Ryuichi collapsed bonelessly in his arms. Tohma tensed immediately, the muscles on his neck going taut. I knew without having to see, that his eyes would be flashing a dangerous blue, the sheen of hard steel. 

"There was nothing else I could do," he whispered back, a protective hand reaching out to wipe the tears of laughter on Ryuichi's pale cheeks.

Or were they tears of sadness? He had seemed so torn and it felt as if something sliced my heart into two, watching Tohma trying to approach him as he shied away.

Ryuichi had never shied away from Tohma before. He had never been afraid of Tohma before. The look on his face – that of pure terror; it must have been terrible for Tohma to be on the receiving end of Ryuichi's fear.

But what did he fear? Why did he fear?

"He was afraid of me," Tohma whispered, the sound reverberating in the room and making it sound much more terrible. "Ryuichi was afraid of me."

His arms tightened around where he cradled Ryuichi and he seemed close to breaking down. "I don't understand."

Neither did I, I wanted to answer. But it was pointless.

"Why did he freak out?" I ask instead. Tohma stiffened, head bowed.

When he replied, his voice was harsh and rough with emotion. "I don't know. I don't get it. Why…what is so terrifying about Mika's pregnancy? I…I just don't understand!" he said, frustration laced in his voice. Tohma never did like not being in the know.

"He's afraid of me. Why is he afraid of me?" he said as he choked back a sound of despair.

I held my silence – not exactly what to say. What could I say anyway? Ever since the time I knew them both, these two precious friends, I had never seen Ryuichi so…overwhelmed with terror and sadness before. Neither had I ever seen Tohma so shaken and so helpless before.

What could I say?

What could I say, when I have just lost everything I have once thought was perfect, which I thought would always remain – not the same, but just not different?

Nothing.

There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do at this moment, that could make everything right again.

* * *

_A/N: It's short, i know. I hope it's good though - coz i'm rather happy with how this chapter has turned out. The next update won't be for a while (for those that have an account, you might wanna try the story alert thingy, it's rather useful.) School can only get busier. Haha._

_In the meanwhile, review! Really, it's the pretty lil' cherry on top of the icing cake! _


	6. Shatter Apart

Title: From where I stand

Genre: Gravitation / Angst / Slash

Pairings: Tatsuha + Ryuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi, slight Yuki + Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Maki Murakami.

_Author's Note: Yay! I'm back, and gosh this chapter was so difficult to write. I think i rewrote it like thrice, trying about more than three different approaches before settling on this one. And still, there seems to be something off about this chapter, though i'm not too sure what. I figured it's due to the fact that it's been too long since i last wrote - as in, seriously wrote._

_Oh well._

_Anyway, call me stupid or IT illiterate but i have no idea how to check for replies for replies that i've answered - if they even do exist. Am i making sense here? In any case, i'll probably be posting this up on my livejournal for the heck of it, so you can find it there too! )_

_Last but not least, thank you for waiting so long for this! Hopefully, it's up to your expectations._

_Readability's a 72.7._

* * *

Chapter 6: Shatter Apart

Somehow, Tohma managed to hold his weight in his arms, despite the fact that they had almost the same build. I pushed open the soundproof door, holding it open for Tohma as he cradled Ryuichi in his arms, the stained tear tracks still evident on Ryuichi's face. It hurt to look at him and I was cowardly enough to look away.

Once he got through, I let the door close, choosing instead to glare at some poor office worker who had the misfortune to chance upon us, his mouth agape as he stared at Ryuichi unconscious in Tohma's protective hold.

The worker jumped, hurrying away as he tried to pretend the moments before did not take place. Huffing, I stalked down the corridor, paving the way for Tohma as I emptied the corridors of curious onlookers with my glare – which weren't many, if I had to be entirely truthful.

We reached the forty-third floor in record time and as we passed by, the secretary, whose name I could not recall, paled in shock at the sight. I almost snarled at her, if not for Tohma's cool and firm voice cutting into the heavy stunned silence.

"Irene, please call K," he said curtly before brushing past her as he continued his brisk walk towards his office. I shot him a curious glance – shouldn't she be calling a doctor instead?

He didn't catch my gaze and I let it slide, bypassing him to open the wooden oak door. He brushed past me and in that instant; I could see the tension in his muscles, the way his jaw stiffened and the furrow of his brows.

_Ryuichi, please get better._

Entering the office after him, I realized that he had placed Ryuichi on the sofa, kneeling down on the floor beside him as he studied the famous singer, our precious friend, his fingers lightly brushing the brown strands of Ryuichi's hair.

"Tohma," I whispered, unwilling to breach the silence of the office aside from the soft breaths coming from Ryuichi. Eyes hooded, it seemed as though Tohma did not hear me even though my words were crystal clear.

A pregnant pause filled the room, the only sound Ryuichi's quick harsh breaths. Tohma continued to slide his fingers through the silken strands of Ryuichi's long fringe. Ryuichi shifted, head tossing to a side as his face took on a stricken expression. His hand stilled.

A moment after, Tohma let out a frustrated sigh. Eyes never straying from Ryuichi, he spoke. "He's so tense," he said, voice brittle instead of cold. "It's like…he's trapped somewhere hideous in his world of dreams."

A familiar pressure built up behind my eyes and I tried to blink away the tears that were to come. Tohma sounded infinitely sad and I could almost taste the despair in his words, woven in his voice as clear as water melt from snow.

"In the world of nightmares," I whispered as I made my way towards the sofa, crouching down beside Tohma where he knelt, keeping vigil.

It was then that I caught sight of Ryuichi, truly seeing him for the first time since the episode in the recording room. The tears that I didn't really manage to blink away returned, blurring my vision as I studied my dear friend.

Tohma was right, I thought as I tried to choke back a sob. Ryuichi did seem as if he was in the world of nightmares, trapped in some horrifying place, hurting as he tried to wrestle with the darkness. He was pale and drawn, his face scrunched up in pain. There was no fitful slumber, yet from the way his muscles were tensed and the beginning of tears that made its way down his cheeks, it was obvious that he was hurting.

I choked back a sob, knowing full well that it was not my place to cry, nor did I have a right. After all, what did I know of suffering? All that I have known paled in comparison to the tragic sight before my eyes – my usually happy bouncing friend with his face twisted in the presence of his own inner demons.

Tohma let out a shuddering breath, his fingers reaching out to caress Ryuichi's forehead, trying to undo the creases in his features twisted in pain, or fear, whichever Ryuichi was facing. "It's okay, Ryuichi," he whispered, voice shaking. Tohma was close to tears – something I had never seen before in my entire life. "Nothing's going to hurt you."

I looked on in wonderment, amidst the tears that blurred my vision, at Tohma. He who was so cold was now so…human. It wasn't like I have not seen this side of him – the gentle boy who loved his music. It had just been…such a long time, and to see it today, when I had not the chance to see it for almost three years, threw me off the loop. But then again, Ryuichi threw me off the loop too.

"Nothing's going to hurt you," he repeated, eyes lowered as his left hand fisted around the fabric of the sofa, knuckles turning white. "Not as long as I am here."

Silence filled the room after Tohma's promise, the only sound the sharp breaths Ryuichi took as he wrestled with the nightmares in his dreams; Tohma too preoccupied to speak as he attempted to soothe Ryuichi with his gentle touches and me being too distressed to do anything but kneel there, watching but not registering the wretched sight before me.

The harsh, brusque opening of doors startled me and I turned swiftly, only to see K making his way quickly towards us with worry evident in his voice. He pushed past me and Tohma, his face twisting in something akin to desperation and despair as he caught sight of Ryuichi.

"What happened?" he asked, turning fiery eyes to Tohma. "What did you do?" He growled, lifting Tohma up by the front of his dress shirt with his clenched fists. I stared at him, feeling much like a fish with its mouth agape.

_What?_

Tohma's eyes flashed dangerously as K pulled him to his feet, his coarse fists wrinkling his dress shirt. "Do not manhandle me," Tohma said coldly, sending shivers down my spine.

Ignoring him, K pressed in closer, a feral look in his usually gentle features. I looked on in horror as his voice dropped to a growl, low and dangerous. "What did you do to him?"

Tohma met his gaze, cold fury in his steel eyes. "Nothing," he spat out, pushing K back though he failed to loosen the tight grip K had on his shirt.

"Guys," I stammered, finally breaking out of the shocked, horrified state I was in. "Please! Stop it!"

They didn't hear me, or perhaps they chose instead to ignore me in favor of glaring at each other, harsh breaths breaking the precious silence of the room.

"K! Tohma called you in because you're close to Ryuichi! Ryuichi wouldn't want anything of this sort to happen!" I cried out, furious tears leaking from the corners of my eyes, smearing my makeup.

K's grip on Tohma's shirt only tightened, if the whitening of his fists were anything to go by. "I've said it once, and I will not say it again. Cease manhandling me," Tohma ordered, voice so cold it was absolute zero.

I choked back a sob, watching in horror as K's face twisted in anger and some other emotion I could not place while Tohma met his eyes with some sort of stubborn pride and fearlessness.

"Tat...Tatsuha."

I turned around at that weak cry, forsaking the scene before me to focus my attention on Ryuichi, whose face was twisted in anguish. A sour feeling ate at the insides of my soul, leaving me feeling lesser than before.

I felt rather than saw Tohma and K break apart, both coming to stand at my sides, leaving me right in the centre. K knelt down at Ryuichi's side, a hand reaching out to brush away the remnants of tears.

"He cried," he stated rather disbelievingly. Tohma nodded his head, and at that moment, it seemed like there was an unspoken truce between the two of them. "Ryuichi never cries," he whispered, though it seemed like he was speaking to himself in the light of his newfound knowledge of Ryuichi.

"He…was afraid of me," Tohma said and I knew it killed him to even think it, more so now that he gave them form. K's head bowed, and I could make out a bitter smile. I frowned. Why did it seem as though K was foreseeing this?

I was about to ask when Ryuichi cried out again, calling for Tatsuha – of all people. K hushed him, soothing whispers that stung my heart. How did Ryuichi become so...broken, so fast?

"It's okay, Ryuichi. It's okay." His voice was tender, and I knew his eyes had to be. Ryuichi relaxed fractionally, though the pain in his feature did not ebb away. "He…isn't always sunshine and daisies," K said wistfully, a tinge of sadness laced in his words.

Tohma smiled; a bitter twisted smile that made him look menacing. "I know…"

K didn't seem to agree with him, his mouth already moving as if to retort. Perhaps it was a blessing that Ryuichi awoke then, eyelashes fluttering gently as his eyes opened to reveal infinite sadness in his royal blues.

"K," he said, despair laced in that single word. The tears that left returned, blurring my vision of the visage of a fallen angel. "Tatsuha," he pleaded, his eyes a swirl of negative emotions, of chaos and hell.

K paused, hesitated, as if stunned at the name that graced Ryuichi's lips. Ryuichi found his hand, clinging onto it with some sort of desperation. "Tatsuha," he said again, voice cracking with the sobs that would not come.

Next to me, Tohma fixed his disbelieving gaze upon him. The less emotional part of my brain snorted. Of course he was in shock, after all, Ryuichi had just forsaken him for a hormonal teenager he'd only knew for a short while.

"K," he cried, though the tears would not come, would not fall. He struggled to sit up, clinging onto K until his knuckles turned white. Still, K did not react, instead acting the perfect part of a stiff statue, not that I was any better.

"Tatsuha," Ryuichi said desperately, peering into shocked clear blue eyes, as if he wanted K to realize the urgency of the situation. "Tatsuha," he said again, repeating the name like a mantra. "Tatsuha, Tatsuha, Tatsuha!"

He shook with dry sobs, throwing himself onto K. It was then that K snapped out of his daze, bringing his arms up to wrap around Ryuichi. Beside me, Tohma finally lowered his gaze from Ryuichi - who would not acknowledge him for reasons I knew not.

"I'll get the car," he whispered, as if he was reluctant to breach the silence he held ever since Ryuichi woke up. K nodded; a slight tilt of his head that caused his ponytail to swish gently in the cold air. Taking that for an answer, Tohma turned away, his eyes hooded. Somehow, I had the feeling something very precious broke in Tohma this day, and that the only one that was close to putting it back together again was Ryuichi. That was…if Tatsuha could make him whole again.

It was then that I realized, like light at dawn, that here in this chilled room with Ryuichi broken and in despair and Tohma with his back turned to us, that Nittle Grasper had broken apart.

_Again._

* * *

_HNO3: I hope i didn't disappoint. crosses fingers_

_P.S: Just a side note, is 'It's' 'It is' or is it Word getting me confused?_


End file.
